Letting you go
by xrifree
Summary: Post513 gus finds himself falling in love with the wrong person. Gus Kinney/Justin Taylor dont freak out! Brian/Justin. Major character death.  ON HIATUS. will be continued soon hopefully
1. Chapter 1

No infringement intended

A/N: this was the first qaf fan fiction I ever wrote. It is not complete, but I am going through it again and continuing it because I really, really like it for some reason. It is set 14-15 years after the 5th season finale and yes Brian is dead. But there are major b/j parts in here, I promise!

Letting you go

/flash forward/

_The cemetery was a cold place to be. Rain was pouring down and the mist coming from up from the graves seemed to bring them to life._

_Gus didn't even notice. The love of his life was in the middle of the cemetery, sitting inside a small pool of water and tears. The inscription in front of him read "Brian Kinney"._

_Justin was shaking from head to toe. His clothes were soaked and muddy. His hands were shaking._

_The haunted look on Justin's face would have stopped a less determined man. Gus, lifted him off the ground and carried him, still shaking, to the c_ar.

/end flash forward/

* * *

Gus POV

He hadn't been in Pittsburg for 10 years. There wasn't a lot he remembered of the place. It was sure different than Toronto, if not as chilly. The Pitts, his dad used to call it. He used to say he "fucking hated the fucking Pitts, the pit of losers". He always talked about leaving for NY or some exotic island and leaving the Pitts forever behind. Never got the chance.

"Hey man, you gonna move along?"

"Yeah,yeah, coming fat-ass."

"Ha,ha, always tactful. Just cause I put on a few pounds doesn't mean you can turn the knife around Mr. I'm-too –skinny- to lift – my-legs-off-the-floor."

Gus didn't grace his best friend with an answer. He just lifted his right eyebrow and stared briefly before turning around and picking up his suitcase.

He started waving for a taxi. His stance was powerful, chin up, head held up high.

The boys got in the taxi.

"So, where ARE we headed?" asked Charlie.

"Deb's" said Gus looking out the window. It was getting dark. People were hiding their faces in heavy coats, trying to protect them from the cold. "She is… a relative, I guess."

He'd been in the Pitts for only 15 minutes, and yet he already wanted to leave. He had such contradicting memories of the place.

* * *

"Gus!"

A screeching Deb was the first thing he saw once the door was opened. She was older than the last time he'd seen her. That was just a few months ago. But old people age like that, in days, in a few hours even.

Gus, at 19, had no fear of age and wrinkles. Of course, after a certain age he did think that old people were just plain uncool. He would be spared of such a fate of course. He didn't plan on living to become old, wrinkled and disgusting. No, that fate wasn't for him.

"And who the fuck are you?" her eyes turned to Charlie.

"I'm Charlie ma'm." answered an intimidated Charlie.

A second or two passed by, in which Debbie seemed to be measuring the boy up and down.

"Well, aren't you a cute one?" she finally said, smiling and squinting her eyes.

Charlie breathed a sigh of relief as the verdict was announced.

Debbie hugged Gus and Charlie too, for good measure. Gus thought she was probably the only cool old person in the world.

"Well, come on in then! You don't want to freeze your balls off right?"

She ushered them inside and they greeted everyone who was at Debbie's colorful living room. Gus's moms were there of course. They had travelled before him, along with his little sister.

His uncles, Michael, Ben, Ted and Emmet were also there and greeted both boys warmly. Most of them already knew Charlie already, from their visits in Toronto.

Gus was starting to get a warm feeling inside, he hadn't experienced in a while.

They sat down and began eating. Of course there was enough food to feed an army. They'd all come together for Christmas, which was 3 days away, but that didn't stop Debbie from force-feeding them all the while of their stay.

* * *

Gus was walking down busy Liberty Avenue. His hands were freezing and his nose was quickly turning a disturbing shade of pink. Gus was not a happy mouse.

He was hardly paying any attention on the street or the people around him. His headphones were blurring.

_"Hang on, hang on_  
_to your IQ, to your ID_  
_hang on, hang on_  
_to your IQ, to your ID"_

Someone grabbed his arm and turned him around. Gus was surprised and about to tell the fucker to stop touching him, when his voice died in his throat.

The man whose hand was the offending object was staring at him with wide eyes. He was a lot shorter than Gus and his figure was small all around, but strong as well. He had long blond hair that was falling on his shoulders, and in his eyes, which were the deepest blue Gus had ever seen. Small wrinkles were around them, because he was squinting them against the –surprisingly strong but not warm- midday sun. He could have been in his late 20's, maybe early 30s.

Gus was mesmerized by the sight. The man's eyes had such a sparkle, something Gus could only describe as love.

Those same eyes froze over after a few seconds, Gus's previous impression so fleeting that he was not even sure he had actually seen it. Now they were confused and a bit angry. The man was saying something.

"I'm sorry what?" Gus plucked out his headphones.

"I said I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."

The man's face came nearer his own and Gus felt his breath on his frozen cheek.

"You look so much like him though." He said it like he was confirming it to himself. After a second, he seemed to come out of his daze, and quickly stepped off of Gus's personal bubble.

For some reason, Gus's brain was screaming for him to step right back in.

"I'm sorry again." The man let out a sort of half amused puff of air, that could have been a laugh. "I'm really stupid sometimes. You couldn't have been him. Sorry."

He turned to walk away. Gus watched him take a few steps, shoulders slouched, posture defeated.

"Why not?" he asked before he registered what he was saying.

The man turned back to him and smiled. It was a small smile, but it was the saddest and the most beautiful smile Gus had ever seen.

"Because he is dead."

* * *

"oooh. Nice! Great way to start a conversation!" Charlie nodded, curly hair flying all around, like he was confirming himself.

They were sitting at Debbie's back porch, passing a cigarette to one another, hiding from Debbie and Gus's moms. Not that they would ever admit they were hiding, but well… they were.

"Yeah, you should put it in the list of your pick-up lines. Right next to "Was your Daddy a baker, cause you are as sweet as cake!"

"Oh come on, I haven't used that ever since I reached puberty!"

"Yeah, right!" laughed Gus.

"Any WAY" Charlie shook his hand as if he was trying to hit an annoying fly, "You say he thought you were someone else?"

Gus nodded.

"And you think you've seen him before?"

"Yup"

Gus thought that was the weirdest part in this whole situation. He hadn't realized it until he replayed the scene in his head, lying on his bed, in Uncle Michael's old room.

"So now you can't stop thinking about Mystery-man?" '

"Basically."

Charlie nodded. And after a few moments of silence he exclaimed, self-assured:

"Well. I'm not gonna tell you "I told you so", but I did tell you you'd fall for someone, what, 500 times?"

"This month."

"See, I told you so!"

Gus wanted to wipe Charlie's shit eating grin right off. "Well, who said anything about the L word? He's just some guy. I'll probably never see him again."

"Keep telling that to yourself my friend. After a cosmic coincidence like that?"

Gus rolled his eyes, but Gus looked at him like he was crazy.

"I'm telling you, when something is meant to be, it just happens. You'll see him soon enough…" Charlie got up from the stairs. He looked Gus up and down and then declared with a pride father's look "Welcome to the club kiddo."

"Cut it out. It's nothing. Next week I won't even remember him ok?" said Gus annoyed.

"Oooooooooh-Kay" Charlie knew not to piss a Kinney off. "Can we go inside now? My ass is freezing."

Gus slapped the aforementioned ass playfully and they made their way into Debbie's warm home.

* * *

"So, do you have a boyfriend, sweetie?" Emmet was looking at Gus through rapidly batting eyelashes. Lindsay sent a glare his way and he respectfully pulled his chair a bit more far away from Gus.

"No" the teen answered him. "I believe in a different approach when it comes to relationships. Meaning they are mostly bullshit."

Michael giggled and he and Lindsay shared a look.

"Anyway, it's not like I have the time right now. College life might be all fun and games, but I'm really concentrating on my studies"

"So no time for stupid romances huh?" asked Michael, his eyes glinting with amusement.

Gus didn't know what to make of this man. He was over 40, yet sometimes he looked like a 10 year old, especially when he was talking about Captain- What's-his-name or Rage… Well, he didn't talk about Rage a lot, at least when Melanie and Lindsey were around. Rage was something of a forbidden topic. But, Michael had given him a few copies when he was 15, after Gus had told him he was gay, the revelation only serving to bring them closer together. Gus had liked it a lot, but he felt sort of awkward getting a boner while looking at pictures of a superhero that was based on his dad. So he never had read past the first few pages.

Michael did things like that. He always had long discussions with Gus and spent a lot of time with him when he was visiting JR, his daughter and Gus's sister, in Canada. He had talked to Gus about sex when the boy was 14, gave him his first condoms even, and generally talked to the boy about things others felt awkward talking, like his dad or teenage angst. He was of course a bit silly and whiny, but he was the closest thing to a father for Gus and he loved the little man with his whole heart.

"No, none at all."

"Oh so that's what you're doing up till 5 o'clock in the morning? You're reading." stated Melanie looking at her son a bit strictly.

"Of course mom." The mischievous look in his eyes didn't convince anyone.

"I remember Mickey's "studies" back at school" said Debbie. "He listened to music and danced around in his room the whole time." she smiled. "When he wasn't daydreaming about Brian."

Michael chocked on his coke and blushed but didn't comment. Ben pretended to be enthralled by the napkins, but other than that there wasn't that much awkwardness.

Gus was pleased. He rarely got to hear anything about his dad, other than what Mickey told him. Melanie always said she didn't know him that well and Lindsay used to get all sad whenever a younger Gus asked her. So he had finally stopped asking. But he was thirsty for any new information that came his way, and he kept them like something precious, trying to find matching memories of his dad.

But now, as they were sitting around Debbie's massive dining table, going through another long meal, no one seemed to find talking about the late Brian Kinney unnatural, if maybe only not about Mickey's crush on him.

All his dad's friends were there, people Gus considered family, his moms and his best friend as well. Gus had a feeling he might learn something important about his Dad tonight.

"Justin sent me a card last week." Ted said out of the blue. Suddenly the air seemed thicker and cold as ice. "He says he's doing fine, and he might come for Christmas this year."

"Well it's Christmas in two days and I don't see him here." scoffed a very annoyed Michael. "Besides, he says that every year."

"You never know, honey." Emmet patted his shoulder.

"I know he isn't coming. This year or any other year for that matter." Michael folded his napkin and put it down. The soft material seemed to make a loud resounding thud that signaled the end of the conversation.

Gus silently cursed Mickey for his stubbornness. Now he wasn't going to find out anything. God, why did his uncle have to be such a whining ass sometimes? Maybe Justin was coming this year.

In fact, neither Michael nor Gus had seen Justin in 10 years. The others had visited him in N.Y., where he was living and working as an artist. But Michael had refused to. He said Justin should come at the Pitts if he wanted to see them. After 4 years they even stopped sending letters and calling each other. Now Justin was probably the only forbidden topic around Michael. He had once told a younger Gus, when the boy had asked him about it that "you don't just leave everyone behind. He was family, and now he is nothing but a stranger."

That was the last time Gus had discussed the topic with Mickey. He hated all the mysteries and family secrets. Either way, Gus knew by the hurt look on Mickey's face that he didn't think of Justin as a stranger. He was angry at him yes, but mostly he was bitter.

His dad's lover was someone he had little memory of. They had already left Pittsburg for Canada 4 years prior to his Dad's death, during which period Gus had seen the other man only once or twice, because he was spending most of his time in New York instead of Pittsburg and he never came to Canada. Last time Gus had seen him was at the funeral.

He had a vague, but ideal picture of him in his head. He remembered his blond hair and warm skin, he even remembered the sound of his laughter sometimes, but that was about it. He felt a craving to see him, to speak to this man who knew his dad so well. But Justin wasn't coming.

The conversation turned on to other things. Teddy's work, Michael and Ben's adopted son Hunter, who was doing great in Chicago but wouldn't be able to come for Christmas this year, Gus and Charlie's college studies and Emmet's latest fling.

Gus was starting to get sleepy from all the food and the relaxed atmosphere. He had, however, promised Charlie they'd check out the clubs. As he was trying to keep his eyelids from closing, there was a knock on the door.

Debbie opened it and she let out a loud shriek. Gus rolled his eyes. Could this woman get more enthusiastic?

"Justin!" she cried out and Gus's blood froze. Everyone fell silent. You could cut the air with a knife.

She was hugging Justin now. She let go of him finally with one last squeeze, and he stepped into the house, smiling. Gus thought his legs were giving out.

He was the man Gus had seen on Liberty Avenue.

* * *

Like you didn't see that coming, right? Lol. Anyway, if you are reading this thanks for giving this Justin/Gus thing a shot! Second chapter will be up promptly. Oh and I haven't forgotten about nice boys, I will update that soon, too. Hang on to your IQ is a placebo song ( a great one!)

Thanks for reading!:)


	2. Chapter 2

chapter2

A/N thank you for the reviews. I really thought it would be extremely difficult to get anyone to actually give this a chance, I'll try not to disapoint you.

ok, so italics is for flashbacks.

Justin pov

Justin was not having a good time. People were greeting him and talking to him. He smiled and nodded, but all their bullshit talk fell on deaf ears. He was transfixed by the view.

New York was a sight for sore eyes. Justin was looking at the city now, from the large hall of the gallery his work was being displayed in, and he was surprised to find that the city seemed just as beautiful as the day he'd first come to live here.

"_So what do you think? Isn't it beautiful?" _

_Justin put his arms out like he was showing his kingdom to the world. He sure felt like a king._

_Brian rolled his eyes. "I've seen N.Y. before you know. And so have you. Even though you spent most of your time looking at the ceiling of the hotel room, if I remember correctly." He said tongue in cheek._

_Justin ignored him. _

"_But now, you see it as the place your boyfriend lives in!" he smiled in triumph. "And that makes it so much more beautiful."_

_Brian scoffed. New York was nice and everything but they had just finished a three hour shopping spree. His feet were killing him, he was thirsty and he just wanted to relax. Of course, he didn't mention any of that to Justin. He didn't want to have to hear him say it was all his own fault for wanting to shop or some shit like that. Like he'd ever come to New York and leave with nothing as much as an Armani suit for a souvenir. So he just settled for grabbing Justin by the waist and pulling him closer._

"_Can we just go to a coffee shop or something?" he asked kissing just behind Justin's ear._

"_Ok, I know a great place!" Justin grabbed his hand and started pulling him to God-knows-where. Brian rolled his eyes again but laughed. "Jesus, where do you find the energy?"_

"_I guess it all comes from that protein breakfast I had this morning."_

"_Well who says Americans don't know the basics of a good nutrition?" he followed Justin down the street, holding his hand. _

"_You know" he suddenly stopped and looked around bewildered. "It does look more beautiful now!"_

_Justin laughed and kissed him. The sun was setting, the city was beautiful, Brian was visiting him just a few months after he'd left Pittsburg. All was good in the world._

* * *

"This is utter shit"

Justin said to Sarah, the galley's curator. "I specifically told you I want this" he pointed to one of his many melancholic paintings "next to the window. Now, I come to the opening and where is the damn thing?" He looked at her as if waiting for a reply. "In-the-back!" he fumed.

The gallery was empty now except for Sarah and a pissed off Justin. The opening was a blast of course, but that didn't mean Sarah's mistake would go by unnoticed.

"I'm sorry." said Sarah, whose lower lip was trembling dangerously. "I'll just take care of it."

"Do that." He walked out of the gallery without another word. He kind of felt bad for yelling at her. But honestly, how stupid could people get for fuck's sake?

He turned around the corner still pissed off. It was freezing cold and his breath was coming out as smoke. He got a cigarette out of his pocket. That was the second time he'd restarted smoking this month. He knew it was a weakness, another thing he should leave behind. But it was probably one of the few things he had to help keep him going. Great help that was really. Just one more thing leading to an early grave.

His smoke was hanging from his lips but he didn't make a move to light it. He was staring at a brochure on a travelling agency window.

"**Spectacular Pittsburg!"**

Justin scoffed. Who the fuck travels to Pittsburg for fun? This was probably the stupidest thing he'd heard all day.

Well, he certainly wasn't going to Pittsburg. He hadn't been there for such a long time. Michael probably hated him. He hadn't seen the others in years. Why would he want to go?

Unfortunately, he did. He didn't actually think about it, but it was constantly in the back of his head like a fly that won't go away. Especially during the holidays. He always wrote he'd go but never did. He was too afraid. The place meant too much.

A ball flew his way full force. He avoided it at the last minute. He frowned and turned to see the juvenile delinquent who had committed the awful crime.

"Sorry sir." The boy looked up at him with big eyes. Shit, his eyes were hazel. He was 6 to 7 years old. He reached for the ball and left. Justin was frozen on the spot. Why did so many people have hazel eyes? Still no one's were like Brian's.

"What the fuck am I doing here?" he said out loud looking around. No one seemed too keen to answer.

* * *

Pittsburg hadn't changed at all. Justin was walking down Liberty Avenue. Drag queens were cat walking, balancing on high heels in the middle of the day, couples were kissing ignoring the cold, others were arguing loudly.

Justin found himself wondering again if he had made the right decision by coming here. He was staying at his mom's and he still hadn't told anyone from his "other family" he was home.

The moment he'd stepped his foot in Pittsburg, memories of Brian had assaulted him. That was the place they kissed that time, there is that bench they'd once eaten a sandwich and Brian had told him he looked beautiful… Of course there were a lot of bad memories too, but he chose not to dwell on those these days.

_Suddenly he was 18 and scared. People were too close, he was too small, everyone was too big. Chris Hobbs was everywhere._

_But he was not alone. Brian was waiting for him with open arms. He was saying "Come on sonny boy" and Justin could read his lips. He felt stronger now. He could do it, he could do anything if Brian was with him. He was walking faster now, going towards Brian._

Justin snapped out of his reverie. And then he saw him. Brian, walking right past him. Why didn't he stop? Didn't he see Justin?

Justin quickly followed him. He wanted to see his face so bad, to feel his arms around him. He grabbed him and turned him around.

For a few seconds he really did see Brian. Justin knew something was off, but he really did see him. And then he started to take in the details. This guy was taller than Brian. He was younger than any memory Justin had of Brian. The strands of hair that were falling around his face were a lighter shade than the rest, almost dirty blond. His left eyebrow was pierced. His lips were not as full and his nose was smaller.

And of course there was the small issue of Brian being dead.

Justin cursed himself. Why did he always do that? He always thought someone on the subway or at the supermarket was Brian.

He said sorry to the kid, but he wasn't listening. Instead, he was gawking at him like he was seeing an alien. "Great, he is the stupid kind." murmured Justin.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I said I'm sorry." Justin looked at him closely. Well he was the best of the "impersonators". He had some of Brian's confidence and their posture was similar. Something about him just screamed sex. "I thought you were someone else."

He looked at the guy again. Something inside him itched to touch this stranger. He stepped closer trying to figure out the exact color of his eyes. He tried to smell him. A whiff of his cologne hit his nose and set off the alarms in his head. This was not Brian's smell. Justin quickly moved away.

Jesus, it's been such a long time! Justin was angry with himself, with the guy in front of him, with the whole world. Angry at Brian even, who left him alone in a cold winter where so many people looked like him, but no one was. Really this constant ache inside him was so cruel, it was getting ridiculous. He was being ridiculous, living in the past. But how could he not?

He murmured something to the kid and turned to leave. Liberty Ave seemed cold and lifeless behind all the Christmas lights and blinding colors.

"Why not?" came the question. Justin realized the guy meant why he could not be Brian.

He turned around and looked at him again. He was young, way too young. Maybe he didn't know anything about loss, or life or love. On the other hand, maybe he did. Justin did know, when he was that age.

So why not? Because Brian was dead. The answer was that simple. Still, Justin didn't believe in it. Brian wasn't there, but still he felt him at times. No, he didn't believe in ghosts or soulmates, he didn't believe in paradise and life after. When you die it's not poetic, or earth-breaking. The world didn't notice when Brian died bleeding. Everyone went about their routine the next day. And Justin was left with a constant heartache, a void nothing could fill, and fucking hallucinations.

He thought he had made his peace with the fact. Now he was back in Pittsburg, his birthplace and the city he had met and fell for Brian He still found himself falling. In an abyss, in love with Brian… He was back and he found he hadn't moved past any of it.

Why should he though? He realized now that maybe he didn't have to get over Brian. So he was dead. So Justin didn't believe in soulmates. But this, they, were not over. He could live with that.

"Cause he's dead." Justin answered. He saw the guy's shock, but he felt lighter somehow. "Brian is dead" Justin thought "but we can live with it."

* * *

He was standing outside Debbie's. He could hear people laughing and talking. They were happy. They were family and he didn't belong here.

"Screw this." He thought. And then he thought of his empty apartment in New York, the tricks he'd bring back to it sometimes – all tall brunettes who were nothing like Brian- his miserable, lonely life. He had been happy here once. This was his last chance.

He knocked on the door, hand shaking. He heard commotion from inside and panicked. He was about to turn around and run the hell away when the door opened.

Debbie was looking at him with wide eyes. She was older, thinner. She seemed tired but happy- aside from surprised to a ridiculous degree. She was home. To him.

They hugged each other, and Justin felt some part of the huge weight lying on his shoulders leaving him at last. He almost felt like he belonged, after many many years.

He stepped inside and saw everyone: Teddy, Emm, Ben, the girls, Michael. That must be Gus, he thought. And then he remembered.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I don't own anything

Italics is once again for flashbacks.

**Chapter 3**

Lindsay POV

Everyone was staring at him dumbfounded. So was she. She hadn't realized until now that she had given up hope. She had given up on him. How could she do that?

Last time they'd met was 3 years ago in New York. He was busy, successful, famous. He was empty. He did his best to keep her cheerful, he showed her around. He was still Justin, loving everything and everyone, though more of a realist now. But he was totally different as well.

Damn, how could she leave him alone? She had her family and friends to help her move past the pain. But he had no one. Sure it was his choice to leave but shouldn't she have done something? Try harder?

He was standing, smiling, all awkwardness and fucking amazing eyes. Shit, he still looked 30. He still looked like a kid actually, if you looked closer.

She noticed he was staring at Gus. They hadn't seen each other in –what, 10 years? She knew whenever she talked to Justin about her son; he'd get so sad… So she didn't send him pictures and hardly mentioned the boy to him. Maybe she had been trying to protect both of them.

She felt a wave of protectiveness come over her now. She run and hugged him. She would take care of him.

* * *

"_Do you think Michael hates me?" asked Justin in a nonchalant sort of way, even though his awkwardness was evident in the way his lower lip was caught between his teeth and from the look in his eyes._

"_Why would you say that?" Brian kissed the aforementioned lip and freed it from its captivity._

_They were lying together in bed. They both knew it was time for Justin to go back to Debbie's, but they refrained from mentioning anything._

"_Because" he kissed Brian back and moved his palm across his bicep slowly "that's what it looks like. We've known each other for what? 7 months now, and still he gets all aggressive sometimes." He placed a small kiss on Brian's neck. "Not to mention he's over the moon in love with you."_

_Brian licked behind his ear and Justin trembled a little at that. "No he's not." _

_Justin looked him in the eye, disbelieving._

"_Listen, Michael is just depended on me or something. He is not in love with me. I mean, he knows it could never work out between us."_

_Justin decided to let the whole enormous crush thing go, for now. "Still he hates me."_

"_So? Let him." Brian moved to nibble on his neck now. "He's a good guy. And you… are not so bad yourself. He'll come around."_

"_Oh, I'm not so bad, huh?" Justin grinned widely._

"_Shut up or I'll tell Michael you thought special K was the cereal."_

"_You wouldn't!" Justin giggled a bit._

"_Yeah I would. I am mean like that." Brian grinned evilly. _

_Justin kissed him square on the mouth. "It's ok. I kinda like it." Justin gave him another peck on the lips and smiled contended._

"_Well, you have to leave before 12" Justin's smile faded. Brian was pushing him away once again. "So how about we show our mutual appreciation real quickly and then I'll drop you off at Deb's?"_

_Justin gave him a sunshine smile, truly worthy of the name._

_

* * *

_

"He hates me, doesn't he?"

Justin was helping Lindsay wash Debbie's dishes. Debbie had insisted on doing it herself of course, but Lindsay wouldn't let her. Justin had quickly followed her to the kitchen. He could feel Michael glaring at his back as he entered the small kitchen.

"Why would you say that?" Lindsay started putting away the dishes, avoiding eye-contact. "Give me that bowl please."

"You do know if there is one thing you and Brian have in common is that you can't lie to me, right?"

Lindsay turned to look at him, not commenting on the Present tense. She thought Brian was with them sometimes, too.

"I don't know Justin." She looked at the living room, where Michael was talking with Gus and Ben about something. He looked a bit tense, just like he'd seemed ever since the blond had walked through the door. They had hardly spoken to each other.

Everyone else had been all over Justin. Tears, laughter and exhausting chit-chat later, Justin had found himself toweling dishes, like a good busboy. "Just like good old times." He thought to himself.

"I just think he is hurt, that's all. I mean you were really close before…" she didn't want to say it. "And then you just left, without telling anyone..."

"I had my reasons." He put down the towel, annoyed. "And I didn't know I had had to clear it with Michael if I wanted to stay in the Pitts or not."

Lindsay sighed. "I know…Just…don't worry about it." She hugged his shoulders. "You are here now, that's what's important."

* * *

Gus could not believe his fucking unluck. Justin, his dad's lover was the guy from Liberty Avenue. He kept saying it to himself, trying to believe it. The most fucking hot guy he'd ever seen was Justin. It just couldn't be!

Justin was in the kitchen with Gus's mom now. They hadn't really talked a lot during dinner. Neither one of them had mentioned their meeting the previous day.

Gus wanted to talk to him about it, but held back. God knew things were awkward enough already, what with Justin not knowing how to behave, everyone falling over themselves in their effort to greet him and talk to him and Michael shooting daggers his way. After a while everything seemed to be easier, normal (except for the shooting daggers part.)

"How can I not have remembered him for fuck's sake? And what about him? He didn't recognize me either and he fucking knows me since the day I was born!" He could sense repressed feelings emerging. Anger and bitterness at Justin for leaving all of them, excitement about seeing the guy from Liberty Avenue again, confusion for the fact they were the same person. Guilt for actually liking his dead dad's boyfriend, for thinking he was beautiful.

Ben was saying something to him, but his ears were buzzing. He needed to get out of there. He turned to look at Charlie, who was talking with Emmet and JR. He needed his best friend, but he wasn't sure he was in the mood for sharing right now.

"Charlie thinks Justin's hot too." Gus thought. He'd seen his friend check Justin out, and then he'd turned to Gus, mischief in his chocolate eyes and whispered "Well, _he_ should have come earlier. This dinner is starting to get so much more interesting."

So, it wasn't that bad he had felt his stomach doing flip-flops when Justin had asked him to pass the salt during dinner. The guy was just good looking, that was all.

"Sorry." Gus cut Ben off mid sentence. "I think I'll go check on my mom." He got up and let both Michael and Ben astonished, because he wasn't exactly the type of kid that is always after his mom.

"I know…just…don't worry about it. You're here now, that's what's important." Gus heard his mom say. He walked into the kitchen and found his mom and Justin in a semi-hug. His mom saw him and turned the other way wiping her eyes. Justin looked his way and Gus felt his stomach doing another flip flop.

"I better get these in the living room." Lindsay said and grabbed a few plates and a cake that had been lying on the kitchen counter. She somehow managed to balance everything in one hand and reached for forks and a knife with the other. "Your sister will have my head if she doesn't get desert soon." She smiled, but her eyes were a bit red. She quickly got out of the kitchen and into the living room.

Justin was putting away the last of the dishes. He got on his toes to reach the upper shelf, and Gus thought that was the cutest thing he'd ever seen. "What The FUCK?" he asked himself. This is ridiculous. His sister gets on her toes.

"Justin is just short. That's not cute. He's short."

"Excuse me?" said an annoyed Justin.

Gus's eyes were big as saucers. His hands went to cover his mouth, but there was no turning back. He had said it. He'd said Justin was short. To his face! He quickly scanned the room for knifes or other dangerous objects that could be used against him.

Justin took another disbelieving look at Gus and then burst out laughing.

"Oh great, now he thinks I'm ridiculous" thought Gus. Justin was still laughing his heart out, and he even stomped his foot twice, shaking. Gus glared at him.

"I'm sorry." Justin said, when he saw Gus's expression. He bit his lip, trying not to laugh "It's just…your expression and… oh my god!" he burst out laughing again.

"His laugh is nice. It's like I remember it." thought Gus, his demeanor softening.

"But he's an asshole!" he thought and got out to Debbie's back porch.

He was fucking pissed. First, Justin has the nerve to come here! Ok, so he'd wished Justin were here, but that didn't mean that all those years they hadn't seen each other were just water under the bridge! Then, he went and became the man Gus had seen on Liberty Avenue!

He pulled out his packet and yanked out a smoke. He brought it to his lips and lighted it. If only Justin had kept in touch, this wouldn't be happening. He wouldn't feel so weird, nor would he be making a fool of himself. He was Gus Kinney Peterson Marcus for fuck's sake! He was cool, self-assured, he never hesitated or regretted a thing! And now he felt like the world's biggest idiot.

The door opened and closed. Gus didn't turn to acknowledge the newcomer.

Justin coughed softly and stood next to Gus. He looked at him hesitantly and then turned his eyes to the night sky.

It had been an unexpectedly sunny day, but now it was snowing softly. It was cold, but he had forgotten his jacket inside. He curled his arms around himself, trying to warm up. God, he needed a smoke. But his pack was in his jacket's pocket of course.

"Do you think I could maybe borrow a cigarette?" he asked Gus. The teen got one out and passed it to Justin without looking at him.

"And a lighter please?" The lighter was in front of his face, on, before he'd finished his sentence.

Ok, now he was starting to get pissed off.

"Look" he said, puffing out smoke "You are the one who called me short. I had every right to laugh at your expression if I wanted to." he hesitated " it was just too funny, actually." he looked at Gus again.

Gus was looking at Justin sideways. He finally smiled after a few seconds. Justin smiled back and continued smoking.

"You're not that short you know." said Gus after a while.

"Don't worry about it." Justin turned to face Gus. "So…this must have been a surprise for you. I know it was for me…" he murmured.

"Yeah." Gus answered. "It was." Believe me, he thought.

Justin nodded and turned to the sky again.

* * *

A/N: thank you for the reviews on the last chapters! Inconspicuous Bunny, they'll talk more on the next chapter, I promise!

Thanks for reading! :)


	4. Chapter 4

Letting you go

chapter 4

disclaimer: Nothing is mine :(

A/N: so, I'm starting to think Justin's flashbacks should just be referred to as Justin/Brian POV, so that there can be a little Brian perspective… But there will be flashbacks from other characters too, all in italics.

The first part is sort of gap filler for episode 117.

* * *

_Brian was smoking on Debbie's backyard. Justin could see his tense back. His head was held up high. He looked so powerful, like a hero or a god. Justin knew it was bullshit. He was just another guy. Still, sometimes he did think of Brian as something of a god. He made him feel so safe. And he also had the power to turn his whole world to ashes._

_Justin didn't speak. He knew Brian would eventually talk by himself, he always did. He could see something was bothering him, something other than how bored he was at family_ _meetings. Maybe he just wanted to avoid Deb and Michael's emotional make-up. Like they could ever stay mad at each other anyway. Debbie would die without her little boy._

"_So it all worked out happily ever after."_

_The ever present sarcastic tone. There should be a name for it._

"_Thanks to the senator." Justin quickly replied. He moved a little closer. He always had to be so careful around Brian. It would have been annoying if he wasn't onto him. He just had to play his cards right._

_Brian laughed to himself. When will the boy learn? "Yeah, don't kid yourself. "_

_Justin looked up. He couldn't understand what Brian was talking about._

"_That woman is using you. For money or for votes. She'll move on to her next cause. Her next fundraiser." He'd seen it happen a million times. Politician is just another word for lying cheating bastard. Justin had no idea what he was getting himself into. He was so happy about "resisting" to the homophobic faculty, that he hadn't realized he was making more and more enemies in that school. In his life. You're not supposed to have that many enemies when you are 17._

_Brian didn't want to think about the other things Justin shouldn't be doing at 17. With him, at least._

"_And then when will you be?"_

"_She said it was a small victory." Justin tried. He really thought he could trust her._

"_Well don't think you've won. That it's over." He turned to face the kid, cause he needed for him to hear that. "Cause the minute you do that, you're dead."_

_Maybe it was the crushed look on the blonde's eyes. Or maybe Brian wanted to show him that no, you are not a complete idiot. You are not a kid. And even though you are not supposed to be smoking or drinking or fucking, it doesn't suck that much, cause you are doing those things with me._

_Or maybe he just wanted to kiss him._

_So he put the cigarette between his teeth, the lit side inside his mouth and leaned in so Justin could take a hit._

_Justin closed his lips around the cigarette eagerly, if only to brush his lips against Brian's. He'd take everything. Anything Brian would give him. He could feel the smoke burning in his throat and in his lungs, warming him._

_Brian was slinging an arm around his shoulder and Justin knew he had to say it. _

"_Not as long as I've got you to protect me."_

_He sort of meant for it to sound like a joke. Like a cheesy line from a 60's movie. But it was the truth. He felt Brian tense up slightly, but he just leaned in closer to his warm embrace. Brian would protect him. Even though he'd never admit he cared. Because that was just the kind of person he was. He wouldn't have fallen for him otherwise._

_Brian hated the fact that Justin was counting up on him so much. Everyone knew he was an asshole. He only cared for himself._

_He just hoped Justin would be careful._

_

* * *

_

Justin looked at Gus once more. He had really made a fool of himself to the boy the other day. Well, who could've blamed him? Gus looked a lot like his father. Justin could see Lindsay in there somewhere too, and also something else, that was completely Gus.

"How old are you anyway?" said Gus out of the blue, like he was annoyed at something.

Justin blinked. "I was 17 when you were born, so… do the math."

Gus nodded. He hadn't taken his eyes off the ground. "You don't look it. I thought you were 26-30 tops the other day." he said on the same irritated tone.

"Um…thanks. I hear that a lot." Justin looked up at the sky again.

"How come you're here? I thought you were glued to the statue of Liberty or something."

Justin didn't comment on the young man's words. He looked at him once again and found Gus was finally looking back. He hesitated a little. Why was he here?

"I'm not sure… I had missed everyone and… I was miserable in New York. I think that's mostly it." Justin said.

Gus nodded, as if he understood perfectly. He continued looking at Justin and Justin could not help notice the similarities he and his father had. Gus was so much like Brian, yet he looked so different from him right now. Instead of finding that annoying, Justin thought it was refreshing.

"Did you think I was my dad yesterday?" asked Gus, turning his gaze the other way for a second, but then returning his questioning eyes to Justin again, determined to get an answer.

Justin felt a bit embarrassed. Gus must think he's some crazy person, who walks around annoying people and seeing the dead. (Well, he was, wasn't he?)

"You figured, huh?" he said sheepishly. "You look a lot like him."

Gus nodded "Yeah, I hear that a lot." He smiled, imitating Justin's voice and stance when he had said the exact same thing.

Justin was starting to feel a bit warmer now. They were not having the most pleasant of conversations of course, but at least it seemed honest. He realized that, though he loved seeing his friends again, the meeting was so exhausting, if only because they knew so much about each other's emotional baggage and history. Gus was sort of tabula rasa for him. Yet he could feel a heart-warming familiarity.

Justin was finding it hard to match the toddler he held so much in his arms, Gus with the bright eyes and the big smile, with this confident young man. The connection was just impossible. He had cared a lot about Gus in the past, and had been heart-broken when he and his moms and sister left for Canada. After Brian's death, he rarely ever thought of him though. He rarely ever thought of anything really. He did picture him sometimes, thinking of visiting him, trying to guess what he'd look like, what music he'd be listening to, if he thought of his dad…

Now, a 19 year old Gus was standing in front of him, smoking with him. The little shit shouldn't be smoking at all. And when he got past the shock of how old he felt suddenly, he could really think of Gus as someone interesting. His eyes were so much like Brian's. His whole posture indicated he was his father's son. Something about him was completely different though.

But looking at Gus's expression right now, and the fact that he was making fun of him five minutes into a conversation, he recognized a true Kinney trait, no one else could copy.

Justin had a feeling he was in for one hell of a ride.

They smoked in silence, until Gus threw the cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it. He took one last long look at Justin and nodded, ad if saying he was ok after all.

"I'm gonna go inside. You coming?"

Justin put his own smoke out. "Sure."

They got inside, back to Debbie's crowded living room, which was filled with laughter and loud discussions.

* * *

Only Justin, Gus, Charlie and the girls remained now at Debbie's. It was past midnight after all, but they didn't seem to notice. Charlie was narrating very animated stories of his and Gus's adventures in college, moving his hands around and making funny noises, causing everyone to laugh. Debbie was trying to slip unnoticed and do some chore or other, but she always got caught, and the one "revealing" her, ended up doing it for her. She was always trying to take care of everything and every one, some sort of Italian DNA mixed with years of working at the diner, urging her on. Everyone was constantly in the way though, for her own good. Debbie might be enthusiastic and colorful, but her health was getting worse lately. Since Carl had passed away a couple of years ago, she had been driving herself to exhaustion, always keeping herself preoccupied. The problem was, there weren't that many people to keep herself preoccupied with. Michael and Ben had moved to the suburbs, Justin was in N.Y. Linds and Mel were in Canada with the kids, Brian...

She shouldn't be getting sad now. Brian was in a better place, for all she knew. We shouldn't trouble ourselves too much about that stuff. They are God's business and we should just leave it and experience the now.

So, no one could keep up with her tonight. She was beyond excited for having all of them home for Christmas. She was on full mother-hen mode.

She couldn't stop staring at Justin. He was one of her favorite "babies" and she'd missed him terribly. The little shit had pulled a disappearing number on them. Of course, she didn't just lie down and take it. After it had been 6 months, she had gone to New York herself. Michael was really pissed at her, whining and everything, but got past it eventually.

Everyone else was too scared to go.

* * *

_Debbie had finally found Justin's apartment. She had never been there before. Justin had been living in New York for 4 years already, but he never stayed away from the Pitts for more than 5 months. She remembered Ted telling Brian that Justin could have opened his own gallery with all the money the two of them spent on plane tickets. Brian's answer had not been pleasant._

_She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. No answer came, so she knocked again. She put her ear on the door and heard noise from inside and whispers._

_When the door opened, she felt like all air had left her lungs. The Justin standing in front of her was a shadow of his former self. He had lost a lot of weight, his hair was tussled, his eyes puffy and he was definitely high on something. He was wearing only his pants, as it was a hot day, and Deb could see his left arm and his chest had a huge bruise each._

_He looked at her for a while, eyes off focus, then blinked twice slowly and stepped aside to let her in. _

_The place was certainly small, but could've been cute once. The windows were enormous, comparing to its size, and the light coming from them was blinding._

_Other than that, Debbie thought the place was a dump. It was clear nothing resembling a broom had touched the floor in months. Empty bottles and cigarette butts were everywhere. Clothes were on the floor, used plates on every available surface, and dozens of crumbled sheets of paper were lying around. Debbie picked one up. It was a schetch, but she couldn't really make out what it was of. She could see canvases on the far end, facing the wall. They had been there for a long time, as was evident by the dust on them._

_As she was trying to figure out what the hell she was going to say, the bedroom door opened and out came a brunet man, who was pulling his shirt over his head. He turned to Justin, who was staring out the window._

"_Who is she?"_

_When Justin didn't answer, but continued staring off in space, he said to Debbie: "Look, lady, I'm sure you where hot like… 50 years ago, but I'm not into necrophilia. So there's no way we are having a threesome."_

_Debbie wanted to punch his face in, but held back. She was there for Justin, not for some asshole who couldn't keep his mouth shut._

"_Cut it out Dave." Justin glared at the guy._

_The guy looked Debbie over once more and then moved closer to Justin's side. He sure had a nice body, and his facial characteristics were nice too, but his eyes were cruel. She didn't like the way he loomed over Justin, grabbing his shoulder. He whispered something in Sunshine's ear, still looking at Debbie. Her eyes fell on the hand on Justin's shoulder and back to the huge bruise on his other arm. Was he the one who had put it there? She felt sick to her stomach._

_The guy kissed Justin's cheek, and left without a word at Debbie._

_Justin continued staring out the window for what seemed like ages. He finally turned to her, yawned, and stretched his hands over his head. Debbie could see his ribs sticking out with the movement, and the bruise on his chest seemed even bigger to her. She stared hatefully at the bruise for a second, wishing it would just go away. Justin passed by her, moved to an armchair and sat on the arm that wasn't occupied by clothed. Debbie looked around for a place to sit, but couldn't find anything, so she remained standing in front of him._

_Justin lighted a cigarette. He didn't find an ashtray, so he just let the dust fall on the floor._

"_I thought you had quit that years ago." she finally said._

"_You know what they say" his voice was hoarse. "Old habits die hard. So, what do you want? You're here to save me?" he snickered ironically. Debbie didn't like it one bit._

"_If that's what you need. Who was that guy?" she asked._

_Justin looked away. "Noone." He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. "Mourning management." he snickered again._

_The bruise on his chest was staring back at her. It was a few days old. She could see there were a few smaller ones around it too. _

"_I see he's doing a great job. He did this to you?" she asked calmly._

_Justin kept on staring at her. He puffed smoke out slowly and said "It's not your fucking business Deb."_

_Debbie felt her blood boiling. "Of course it's my business. It's my business when you let yourself be used like that._

_Justin scoffed. "No one is using me."_

_Deb moved closer to him. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was still morning._

"_After what happened with Chris Hobbs, after all the things you went through, how can you let some asshole hit you?" _

_Justin got up, fists clenched on his sides. "You have no idea what you are talking about." The fire in his eyes died as quickly as it had appeared. Debbie wished it was still there, even if it meant Justin was angry. "Dave and I like to play around, that's all." he added, calmer now. His eyes were looking the other way._

"_Dave and I?" she mimicked. "Are you a couple?"_

_Justin looked at her like she was crazy. "No. Of course not."_

_He turned the other way suddenly and walked to the small kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge-which was close to being empty, Debbie noticed- and started drinking from it._

"_When are you coming home?" she asked._

"_Home? Pittsburg is not my home anymore." He said it like it was the most logical thing to say._

_Debbie had had enough. She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Sunshine, you need to snap out of it! God, you are living in this…this…" her eyes scanned the room "this dump, you are with that moron who doesn't deserve a thing, you're not talking to anyone…"_

"_I talk to people" he murmured._

"_People are not us! Your family! We are your family." Justin looked the other way, but she was having none of that. "Look at me! We all miss Brian" he visibly flinched at the sound of the name, and turned his eyes the other way again. Debbie sighed._

"_Sunshine." He turned his head slowly her way, like it was physically painful. He was still a little of focus, but she knew he was listening to her now. _

"_I don't know what to do, Deb" he said. All confidence and irony had deserted him. He seemed drained, lost, small, as she had her hands on his shoulders._

"_Me neither. We'll figure this out ok?" she kissed him on the cheek. It was the same cheek that guy, Dave had kissed, and just thinking about the bastard made Debbie even more determined. "We have to."_

_She had stayed with Justin for over a month. They were doing baby steps each day, but she could see Justin getting back to being himself, or whatever part of him had remained. It was not a pleasant month, having to deal with Justin's amazing mood swings, but she was ready for each one… yelling back at him when he was shouting, holding him tight when he wanted her to go away, urging him on when he couldn't get out of bed, exhausted from crying the whole night long. She was the one that had told him about Dave's arrest, just 2 days after she had come to the city._

_The last night she was in N.Y., Justin had grabbed a pencil and a sketchpad and did a sketch of her. He wasn't ok yet, she didn't know if he'd ever really be, but her coming to NY had been a wakeup call for him. He still refused to return to Pittsburg though._

_She had kissed him and held him tight before boarding the plane. He waved at her just before she got inside, and Debbie crossed her heart and wished she had helped enough._

_

* * *

_

Debbie looked at Sunshine now and could still see the crumbled boy she had found in NY. Yet, he was somewhat better now. He was a man, self assured and well known of course, but she saw past all that. And what she saw was that he was coping like the rest of them. His laughter was sincere, as he was listening to Charlie's and Gus's college exploits.

"And then, she turns to me and goes: oh! So that's why Alphie didn't get a D!"

Everyone burst out laughing at that. Debbie had only heard the last part, but she laughed along anyway.

* * *

A/N I usually don't particularly like the whole abused!Justin thing, but I feel it is a good place to go, because it shows just how much his life has gotten out of control, now that Brian is not in it… any thoughts?

Inconspicuousbunny, thanks for the help on the speech marks. I really didnt know how to write those parts in the last chapter, and actually got a bit confused myself when rereading it. I'll keep it in mind next time.

oh and yeah, i know they are probably smoking weed in 117, since Brian doesnt roll cigarretes just buys the industrial ones, but I wasnt sure so...

Thank you for reading and/or reviewing. ;)


	5. Chapter 5

Letting you go

**chapter 5**

JR yawned loudly and Mel got the hint. She led a grumbling JR to Michael's old room, and returned after a while. Τhe girls, Gus and Charlie were all staying at Debbie's for Christmas. It seemed impossible they all fit in the small house, but Debbie was always nothing short of a miracle worker.

Justin stretched out. He really wanted to stay more, but he knew Deb must be tired.

"Well, I should get going then." He started to get up, but Charlie grabbed his arm.

"Gus and I are gonna check out the clubs. Why don't you come with us?" he turned to Gus "Right Gus?"

Gus was having a great time with Justin. He was smart and had a great sense of humor. But the whole while, he couldn't stop thinking about how amazing his eyes were, or how soft his skin looked. Of course, all that came with guilt and shame on the side, so Gus wasn't sure if he really should be spending more time with his dad's boyfriend.

"Um…sure… if you want…"

Justin noticed his hesitation. "It's ok. I'm sure you'll have more fun without having to tend to the old and helpless." he smiled.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"asked Charlie with wide eyes. "You're fucking hot" he added shamelessly. "We'll look sooooo good if you come with us!"

Justin chuckled and looked Gus's way to check his reaction. Gus felt like a dork. A rude one too.

"Yeah, come along Justin. We'll have fun." he said. He was being sincere.

* * *

The music was deafening. Dozens of bodies were dancing around him, sweating, warm, inviting bodies just waiting for him to make a move.

Gus Kinney, age 19, had already broken more hearts than, well, anybody that age really. He was tall and devastatingly handsome, quick witted and confident. He had a legend to uphold after all.

He had loved growing up to the stories of his father's club days. They were said in hushed whispers when he was a child, like jokes as he got older, and finally colorful stories narrated by Uncle Mikey after Gus came out to him – he was the first person he ever told. As he got older, he craved to learn more about his dad, and had actually followed more or less in his footsteps. It came naturally to him, although at such a young age, he got heart-broken too, sometimes. Tough on the outside, but a romantic at heart. A disastrous combination, as Debbie always said.

The club was full of life. Twinks were jumping up and down, others drinking or talking over the loud music. Many of them came up to him, but he turned them down without a glance. He was staring at Justin, who was dancing with Charlie.

Their clubathon had started out promising. They were talking and laughing, generally having a good time.

After a while, Gus had started noticing: the way Justin's hair turned different colors because of the club lights, the way he squinted his nose when he was talking about something he thought was weird or disgusting, the tiny wrinkles around his eyes when he laughed, the way his clothes clang to his body, the feel of that body pressed on him gently, wrapping him in an intoxicating smell, distinct even amidst the odors of sweat and cigarettes, as Justin had reached behind Gus, hugging him almost, to get his drink from the bar.

Gus had long passed into freak out mode. He was having trouble controlling his thoughts or himself. He kept 'accidentally' touching Justin and then mentally kicking himself.

So, the whole time he had been a boring ass. He wanted to avoid Justin, so he barely talked to him, or was rude whenever he did. Still, he touched him, not able to contain himself. Charlie kept looking at him strangely, not understanding why he was acting like that.

'He on the other hand is having a great time. Justin is an amazing guy, and hot after all. He is all around everything Charlie wants. Why not hit on him?' thought Gus. 'I don't care. Why would I? I don't give a fuck. They can fuck on the dance floor, if they want to' he said to himself, as he was looking at them dancing.

They looked good, one body dark chocolate, and the other so white, contrasting skin colors creating an irresistible combination, which had attracted a lot of twinks, who were dancing around them, enjoying the view.

Gus's eyes narrowed as he zoomed in on Charlie's hand, which was slowly descending Justin's back. Gus clenched his fists. He couldn't take it anymore. He was about to go to the dance floor and tear Charlie away from Justin, when he realized that Justin was coming his way. Charlie looked after him for a couple of seconds, and then shrugged and started dancing again. Soon, someone volunteered to replace Justin.

"Jim Beam." Justin told the bartender. He downed the drink, throwing his head back. Gus stared at his neck, his adam's apple bobbing up and down, once, twice…

"You wanna go outside for a while?" asked Justin. "I'm feeling a bit dizzy."

Gus nodded and they got out of the club, squeezing their way to the door.

The cool air hit his face, refreshing him, his ears still buzzing from the thumpa thumpa.

They sat down on the pavement, looking around at the newcomers. The place was packed. Still, a long line was outside the club's doors.

Gus's fingers mechanically seeked his cigarette packet. He fished it out from his backpocket and lighted. He was freezing. Stupid Justin, getting him out in the cold.

Justin mimicked his moves. Gus looked at his curious.

"I thought you said you were dizzy." he said.

"I am."

Gus looked at him closer. He seemed fine. He was flushed from dancing. "This must be what he looks like after a hard fuck" Gus thought. He mentally cursed himself after that.

"Well I don't usually smoke when I'm dizzy."

Justin opened his mouth to answer, but Gus cut him off. "Whatever, suit yourself." He said and looked at the queue of brightly dressed queens again.

"Okay, I wasn't dizzy." Justin said. Gus looked at him, interested. "I just wanted to get out. Your friend has a problem keeping his hands to himself." he murmured.

"Well, you weren't exactly stopping him either." Gus quickly replied. 'Where the fuck had that come from?' he mentally kicked himself again after that last remark. 'What do I care if Justin likes Charlie back?'

"You really hate me don't you?" asked Justin, pissed off.

Gus felt his anger leaving and his chest puff out like a balloon. Hate? No. No way.

"I don't." he knew he sounded annoyed.

Justin looked at him sideways.

"I don't" he added with more conviction now. "Charlie does have a little problem holding back" Justin scoffed. "But I'm sure he didn't mean to… insult you." He added as an afterthought.

Justin smiled. "It's ok. He's cool. I'm just not into the whole dating thing."

Gus knew Charlie was not exactly looking for a date, but refrained from saying so. Of course Charlie did date occasionally, unlike Gus who had kept a straight "fuck and leave" policy for some time now. Charlie even fell in love…once or twice a week…

"Yeah, me neither." Gus replied. Justin smiled and looked at him cryptically.

"What?" Gus asked.

"Nothing." Justin quickly answered, but the little enigmatic smile still played on his lips.

"So you've never been in love?" he asked.

Gus would've scoffed at the question normally but Justin's tone was sincere and his eyes challenging, and Gus felt inclined to answer.

"I thought I was once, two years ago. Turned out to be bullshit of course."

"Mmm… I know what you mean. Sometimes you just get over-excited…"

"Yeah, I guess.."

"I take it you don't believe in love either?" Justin said, puffing out smoke and looking deep into Gus's eyes. Gus felt himself being pulled inside.

"No" he said abruptly. "Love doesn't exist, and even if it does, it's got nothing to do with what folks think it is." Justin kept staring at him. "I mean, take Charlie for example. He believes in love and soulmates and that shit. So he always ends up heart-broken or bored to death with his partner."

"What about your moms, or Michael and Ben? They've been together for decades." Justin asked calmly. He kept staring at Gus square in the eye, and Gus felt like he was been played with, like a cat plays with a small mouse. For the first time since he'd met him, Justin actually had a grown-up and wise look in his eyes. It pissed Gus to no end.

"Exceptions to a well-established rule. Besides, how can you know if they are actually in love and don't stay stuck together because they're too afraid to break up?"

Justin let the cigarette fall from his lips to the street, in one smooth fluid motion. He tucked a strand of blond hair behind his right ear and narrowed his eyes playfully. Gus couldn't take his eyes off of him.

"That's all too easy, isn't it?" he said in a low voice. "If these exceptions do exist, how can you be so sure love isn't real? As for what they really feel, I've seen couples stay together because they're afraid to be lonely. I was that person once, a long time ago. It's one of the stupidest things I've done in my life." he smiled bitterly "Especially since I was thinking of Brian the whole while. Trust me, your moms are not like that, nor are Michael and Ben."

Gus knew he should answer, but didn't quite know what to say. Justin's argument wasn't the strongest one, but at least it was made in a somewhat logical basis. He delivered it like hitting a tennis ball. His eyes had a small twinkle when he mentioned Gus's dad.

Gus knew his father hadn't believed in love and relationships either. Still, he had changed his whole belief system, his whole life for this man standing in front of Gus now. Gus stared back into his eyes. He didn't know what was so special about Justin, but something certainly was. Suddenly, all the stories he'd heard about his dad's change of heart upon meeting Justin, seemed much more believable.

"Lets get back in. Charlie must be looking for us." Gus said.

"Yeah." Justin answered, staring at Gus still. None moved for a couple of minutes.

Justin smiled suddenly, and got up.

"I think I'll end up convincing you."

And before Gus had the chance to answer, he added "Come on, you owe me a drink." Gus looked at him questioningly. "For calling me short for one." Gus actually blushed a bit. "Aside from calling me easy." He added.

Gus panicked.

"I didn't say…" he started explaining himself.

Justin chuckled. "There is that face again!" Gus narrowed his eyes. "Just buy me a drink ok? I'll buy you the next one." Justin added quickly.

Gus agreed, and they got inside the club.

* * *

"What a guy!" Charlie exclaimed.

The two friends were walking to Debbie's. They had slept till noon, exhausted from the previous night, but as soon as they had woken up, Debbie had sent them to do some last minute shopping at the nearby grocery store. She had gone ballistic when she realized she didn't have everything for the Christmas Eve dinner.

"Great hair, sexy voice and a body…man!"

Gus ignored him. He had been ignoring him since he'd woken up, and chances were Charlie's constant rumbling about Justin wasn't going to end any time soon.

"Last night was a blast huh?" Charlie said.

"Yeah, it was ok." Gus answered pretending to be uninterested.

"Just ok? I've never had that much fun in a club, without fucking, with anyone!" Gus glared at him pointedly. "Except with you of course." he quickly amended. "What I mean to say is, Justin is amazing."

Gus rolled his eyes. He was annoyed. Charlie couldn't shut up about Justin. He kept going on and on, and Gus had never felt such a strong urge to hit his best friend before.

Ok, so he thought Justin was amazing too. After the whole corny conversation about love and relationships, they had gotten along fine. They had even danced a few songs together, Gus thinking about his moms having weird lesbian sex *shudder* the whole while, so as not to get a hard on: which was no easy task. When he fell asleep, he kept dreaming of blond hair and hearing Justin's laughter. This wasn't going well-at all. So, here he was, trying not to think of Justin, and Charlie kept talking about him!

"Can you hurry along? I'm freezing." He said. He couldn't wait to get at Deb's and chop spinach or something. Anything to get away from Charlie.

"What's wrong with you? You've been acting weird ever since last night!"

"I just don't want to hear anything about Justin, ok?"Gus exclaimed annoyed.

"Ok, man, relax" Charlie tried to appease him. He put his hands in his pockets and walked faster.

Gus sighed. He was being an asshole. "I just…" he started. "I don't know what to make of him yet. I mean, he was my dad's boyfriend. My dad's, you know?" he said. Charlie nodded. "How are you supposed to feel about your dead dad's boyfriend?"

"I know man, sorry. This whole thing sucks."

Gus kicked a rock. He had never been so confused in his life. He had waited for years for the day to come, when he'd finally meet Justin again. He had played out thousands of scenarios in his head, thinking over and over about what he'd say to him. His thoughts about Justin had derived from hate to idolatry and back again.

"When I was a kid, I always thought he'd visit. I always remembered him and my father together, so since I missed my dad, I missed them both. And as time passed, I started to forget the little things, till I didn't remember him at all. Uncle Michael talked about him a lot at first, but then he stopped to, cause he was pissed at him. I guess I was pissed at him too, especially when I was 15-16 years old. But then I just wanted to meet him. And now he's here, and I don't know how to react. And you keep talking about him!"

He wanted to say he thought Justin was amazing too, he needed to talk about how attracted he was to him but he didn't dare. He was too scared to even think of it.

Charlie nodded and stared at him wide-eyed. "Wow, this trip is so weird. You are being..." he struggled to find the right word "human." He finally said.

Gus shoved him playfully, half insulted.

"What the Fuck do you mean?" he laughed.

"Well, first the guy from Liberty Avenue, now this heart-to-heart about Justin…" he put his palm on Gus's forehead. "Are you sure you didn't catch the floo on the plane or something?"

Gus got Charlie's hand from his face. "You schwein!" he said mockingly. "Finally, finally I share, and this is what you've got to say?" Of course both of them knew that wasn't the truth. Gus didn't like sharing his thought and feelings, and he was ready to bite people's heads off if they asked him annoying personal questions, but with Charlie he was never like that. He always told him what was bothering him.

So, he knew he'd have to talk about this weird attraction sooner or later.

* * *

A/N: Sorry this is a bit short, without so much as a decent flashback, but this and the former chapter are actually one chapter cut in two, so that is why…

Thanks for reading.:)

Reviews make my day sunny!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: there are 2 flashbacks in this chapter, one from mid-season 2 and the other from Justin's years in NY.

Flashbacks are in italics.

**Letting you go**

**Chapter 6**

_Justin was watching Brian sleep. His mouth was hanging open and he was snoring lightly, like he did when he was really tired. Justin was transfixed._

_He looked down and smiled when he saw how their limbs were mingled. Justin's right leg was hooked over Brian's left, Brian's palm was flat on Justin's chest, and everywhere he looked Justin could see skin touching skin._

_He lifted his hand and touched Brian's face. It scratched with his 5 o'clock shadow and Justin adored it._

_A drop of drool left Brian's mouth and trickled down his jaw. Justin giggled. He stared back at Brian's face and saw the moistened path the drool was making. He looked adoringly at his boyfriend for 5 more seconds…_

_And then burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of it all._

_Brian's eyes flattered open. He found Justin laughing his ass off on the bed. He stared and blinked a few times._

"_What the fuck is so funny?" he murmured and reached for Justin's waist._

_Justin tried to stop his laughter. He shut his mouth but his shoulders were shaking wildly with repressed laughter._

_Brian kissed behind his ear and whispered in his mist seductive voice. "You won't be laughing when I'm done with you." while his hand descended slowly towards Justin's crotch. _

_Justin turned his face to his lover. There were actual tears in his eyes. He stared at Brian_

_and then started laughing again, even louder._

_Brian stared back at him bewildered. What the hell was wrong with his twink? After a while he started laughing softly as well, watching Justin desperately trying to catch his breath and failing miserably._

_When Justin finally calmed down, he moved closer to Brian and put his head in the crunk of his lover's neck. He nuzzled his nose and whispered "You're so funny." Brian didn't even bother to ask. He just pulled Justin closer._

_Twenty minutes later all the fluffiness had gone to shit. Brian was running around the loft, trying to find some paper for work, while putting on his shoes. He wasn't doing a great job._

_Justin watched him from the bed. He hated it when Brian was in his crazy work mode. He was always tense and everything ticked him off._

"_Have you seen my red envelope? It was here somewhere…" Brian said, vaguely pointing around the living room with the shoe he hadn't put on yet._

_Justin shook his head no, and Brian cursed under his breath. He was running late to an important meeting, he couldn't find the fucking envelope and he had hit on every available furniture in the loft while looking for it._

"_That's what you get for acting like a damn kid" he said to himself. "I had to get ready for the meeting but nooo! I didn't do that cause apparently I also had to stay in bed and laugh like a freaking idiot!"_

_Justin could see Brian_ _muttering. He really didn't want to know what was going through the man's mind right now. He was sure Brian was somehow blaming him, and he didn't want to listen to any of it._

_He yawned and looked at the alarm clock. 'It's too early' he thought. He had the night off from Babylon and his shift at the dinner didn't start until after 4 in the afternoon. He looked at Brian, who hit his knee on the sofa yet again, and sighed. The day had started so good…_

_Brian exclaimed a loud "Ha!" in triumph. He waved the envelope up and down and said "found it!" before finally putting on his left shoe._

_Justin nodded absentmindedly. He looked at the clock again. God, he needed to sleep._

"_Can you hand me my black jacket?" Brian asked._

"_Your…?"_

"_My black jacket, the one I was wearing last night." Brian said straying his tie in front of the bathroom mirror.' _

_Justin looked around. The jacket was in a heap on the floor. He picked it up and groaned. It had a stain of, well, what was probably cum._

"_um… I think you need to wear something else..." Justin called out. Brian came in from the bathroom, looking at his watch. He looked at Justin and then at the jacket in his hands. Then he noticed the stain._

"_Jesus Christ Justin." He grabbed the jacket. "Thanks a lot." he snapped and headed for the closet, to find something else to wear._

_Justin bit his lip. He knew he shouldn't say anything._

"_What the fuck do you mean thanks a lot?" he asked. "Like this is my fault?"_

"_Well you could have been more careful." Brian said, his back still turned._

_Justin couldn't believe what he was hearing. He got out of bed. "Bullshit! You rip my clothes and destroy the zippers of my pants all the time. And now I…" he stopped abruptly. "This is ridiculous! How do you even know it's not your cum anyway? It makes more sense!"_

_Brian wasn't even listening. He wore another jacket, grabbed the red envelope and turned to leave._

_Before he walked out the door he looked at the still searing Justin. "You gonna be here?"_

"_I start at the diner at 4."_

"_Ok. See you there." Brian said and left._

_Justin let out an exasperated breath._

_He calmed down and walked back to the bed. He lied down and glared at the clock. It was all its fault. It always took Brian away from him and turned him into workaholic asshole. He grabbed the pillow._

"_I fucking hate you." He murmured at the clock and closed his eyes. He wasn't sure if he hated the clock or Brian._

_

* * *

_

Justin's eyes shot open. He groaned and turned off the annoying alarm clock. He got off the bed, and immediately sat back down.

"Fuck me…" he said looking around.

He was in his old room. Everything was the same. His easel was in a corner, soft light was coming from the drapes. On his night stand was the infamous alarm clock, a glass of water and a note, apparently from his mother. It read "Honey, I'm out shopping. I set the alarm clock so please don't hate me xoxo mom."

Justin groaned again. Ever since he'd stepped foot into what was now his mom's and Tucker's house, she had been treating him like he'd suddenly turned into a teen again. That's why he had gone out to Liberty Avenue as soon as he was able to escape her smothering hugs and nosy questions, three days ago. That was where he'd met Gus.

Justin looked at the mirror. He still looked good. Then how come he felt so old? Here he was, a thirty-something year old man, in a 17 year old boy's room. What a farce.

Gus was 19 for fuck's sake. He was 19 and already Justin was old enough to be his father. Maybe he could have been, maybe he even was at some point in the past. Now he felt like he'd never met the younger man before.

Justin got into the shower and turned the knobs. He didn't wait to set the temperature, but instead stepped right in. The water was scalding hot and his skin turned pink at the contact. He didn't mind. He wanted to wake up.

He run the sponge over his body, thinking about the day ahead. It was Christmas Eve and Debbie had insisted he goes at her place for dinner. Everyone will be there, she had said.

Justin sighed. Michael was definitely going to be there, too. Deb was _his _mom after all. Gus was _his_ "nephew", JR was _his_ daughter and everyone were _his_ friends.

Justin felt guilty, like he was stealing something from Michael. His peace, his family. But, fuck, he wanted them to be his own family again too!

He stepped out of the shower and dried up with a towel quickly. He had made a huge step coming back to the Pitts, and he was going to go all the way. Michael would just have to deal with it.

* * *

_It had been a bad day. One of those days when he'd see Brian everywhere, when N.Y. was ugly and people were too nice when they saw him cry._

_Justin was alone in his shithole apartment now, downing scotch, vodka, whatever was on sale at the store. The ashtray was full. He looked at the mirror. He needed a haircut. He lay back down on the floor and lighted another cigarette. He brought the bottle to his lips. Brian would have liked his hair that long. He would be always touching it, getting it out of Justin's face to kiss him._

_Where is my mind? _

_Where is my mind?_

_In the water, swimmers swimming…_

_The radio was playing softly in the background. Justin hummed along with it._

"_Fucking cheap ass alcohol." he cursed and sent the bottle across the room. It hit the wall and broke into pieces. Justin wasn't drunk enough, but he was too bored to reach for another bottle._

_There was a knock on the door. He groaned and got up to open it._

"_Hey baby" Dave said and walked right past a dumbfounded Justin and into the apartment. He picked up Justin's smoke from the ashtray and took a hit. He plucked down on the couch and looked around. His eyes were a bit off focus. "Love what you've done with the place."_

_Justin found his voice again. "What the fuck are you doing here? I thought you were in jail." He slurred a bit. Fuck! He shouldn't have drunk so much._

"_I was." Dave said and threw a pillow into the air. He caught it again. "I'm released. It's been 7 months."_

_Justin wasn't sure Dave should have been released at all. He didn't even know why exactly he had been arrested in the first place, or what his sentence was. Something to do with drugs. Probably one of the twinks Dave used to provide with second class E dropped dead or something. Justin didn't care. The good thing was Dave was as far away from him as possible. Debbie had been right. Justin might have hit bottom this past year but he wasn't as lame as to stick with Dave._

"_You didn't visit me once." Dave said angrily from the couch. Justin just shrugged. Dave's expression changed from angry to flirty in seconds. He got up and walked up to Justin. "You really hurt me baby." he said, trying to sound heartbroken. Justin wasn't buying it. He turned to leave but the room was spinning. "Great" he thought. "The scotch is taking affect NOW."_

_Dave grabbed him by the waist and pulled him flash against his chest. He kissed his neck and whispered "You were all I was thinking about." while licking Justin's ear. "Did you miss me too?"_

_Justin felt his resolve breaking. He moaned. Dave smelled so good, sweaty and masculine and __**alive.**__ Justin was tired of being alone. He closed his eyes._

_Dave smirked and started caressing Justin's chest with his left hand, while keeping him close by the waist with his right. Justin's mind was a drunk blur. He knew he should be getting away from Dave, but the warm body just felt so good against his own._

"_I'm never leaving you again." he whispered into Justin's ear. "I love you." He said and bit down hard on it._

_Justin's eyes shot open. This wasn't right. Dave always did that kind of stuff. He'd say great things to Justin while causing him pain somehow. He'd even hold Justin close when he was shaking from the pain, saying "I love you" and "It will pass", as if he hadn't been the one that had beat him up._

"_Get out." Justin said now. He was better than this. He deserved more. How could he go from Brian to this clown?_

_Dave's hands stilled. He shook his head and kissed Justin's neck again. "You don't mean that baby." he said._

_Justin got out of his embrace. He said sternly "I do. I want you out of my house. So get lost."_

_Dave seemed to be lost for words. "Baby come on" he said sweetly. Justin thought he was going to be sick._

"_I'm not your baby. Now get the fuck out." he added calmly._

_Dave grabbed his arm. "You don't get to talk to me like that, you hear?" he yelled. He pulled at Justin's arm and Justin flinched. He knew there was going to have a bruise the next day._

"_I can talk to you any way I want to." Justin told him. "I'm not afraid of you."_

"_You should be." said Dave and hit him square in the face. Justin's head fell backwards and his feet wobbled. God damn his alcohol induced slow reflexes. _

_He turned to Dave again and said "Fuck off!" before the next blow made him kneel on the floor. He struggled to catch his breath._

_Dave was going around the apartment hitting the furniture and breaking things. "See?" he said and broke an ashtray. "See what you made me do?" He picked up a bottle and broke it to, strong smelling liquor splashing everywhere._

"_You are so ungrateful! When I met you you were half way dead! I do everything for you, I work my ass off to get you all this great stuff" he looked around the apartment like he owned it. Some things, probably stolen, that Dave had brought to the apartment were indeed around "and this is how you repay me? Like I don't mean anything to you?" He got a Swiss army knife out of his pocket._

_Justin's senses were on overload. His ears were buzzing and his eyes searching the room for something to protect him from what he knew was coming. Dave was so big and strong and Justin knew that even if he had been sober, he probably wouldn't stand a chance._

"_But no more." Dave said melodramatically. He turned to Justin. "You won't treat me like shit anymore." he said and stalked closer._

_Justin was panicking. Dave was about to stab him on the side when Justin grabbed a vase and brought it hard down on Dave's head. He took advantage of Dave's disorientation to grab a nearby char, and hit him with it, using all his might. Dave's body folded in half from the pain. His eyes rolled back in his head and he fell on the floor, knocked out._

_Justin's heart was racing and his breathing was coming out like he'd run a marathon. He looked at the neon-green colored glass shards around Dave's head. And to think he had scoffed when Debbie had bought it 8 months ago._

_He picked up the phone and called the police._

_

* * *

_

A/N: thank you to anyone who reads and/or reviews. I'll try to write some more about Justin, Gus and the gang next time. Hope you liked this chapter. Where is my mind is a song by the Pixies.

When I first wrote the Justin-Dave part some time back, I didnt have my hands on a complete season 5 dvd, so I was watching that season from youtube videos and the part where Jennifer sells the house was left out... So I didnt know that. Of course now I do, but I still like the idea of being a grown up back at your teenage room, so I kept it... Hope you dont mind much.

Reviews are a great help to poor college students.

Namely, me. :)


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: again, I'm sorry about the late update….I'll try to update faster in the future!

So there is a flashback in this chapter that takes place in the years after the series, but before Brian's death. I hope that is not too confusing….

**Chapter 7**

Justin was alone in Debbie's kitchen. It was getting rather late, but the gang didn't seem at all fazed. They were still talking and laughing, everything wrapped up in that warm haze that comes with the holidays, when no one really has to work and everyone is so much more relaxed. He had always loved that feeling. But being with noisy happy people seemed a little annoying for him these days. So, he had taken the opportunity to step aside for a while, recollect himself, enjoy a little peace and quiet.

The window was half-open, so that the smoke from his cigarette wouldn't linger on Debbie's sparkling clean towels. Their chit chat came from the living room, occasionally interrupted by Emmet's laughter or one of Debbie's famous loud remarks. He hadn't felt so warm in a long time, even though the evening air that was messing up his hair was really very cold.

"Justin?"

He looked up to find Gus standing hesitantly in front of the table.

"Can I…?"

Justin smiled up at him. "Yes, sure... Sit down." He said, motioning him to a chair.

"I can leave, if you want"

"No, no… sit" he repeated.

Gus did indeed sit on a chair across from him, still unsure.

"I figured you want to be alone."

"No, it's fine…I was going to go back in a minute anyway. It just gets a little too much sometimes."

Gus nodded, understanding.

"Besides, I think Lindsay would like to keep a smoke-free zone around JR, and I didn't want to get a Christmas talking-to from her."

Gus smiled "I know what you mean. She caught me smoking once when I was 13…" he opened his eyes a little wider, and gave a semi-frightened expression. "I thought she was going to kill me. I was grounded for a month."

"13, huh?" Justin smiled back. "You must have been a nightmare as a kid" he laughed.

"Nah…" Gus defended himself half-heartedly. "I just thought smoking made me look cool back then, I guess."

"So how come you smoke now?"

"Well…. I still think it makes me look cool?"

Justin laughed quietly and stared at Gus through the smoky cloud coming out from his mouth. "You are very cool, Gus. Very, very cool." He nodded reasuredly.

"Ok, go ahead make fun of me." Gus replied, trying to sound heartbroken, but smiling nonetheless. "I still think my dad would have been a lot more ok with it. And I've been saying that to her all the time."

Justin scoffed. "Brian? No, he wouldn't have been ok with it in the least." he defended Lindsay.

"Really?"

"Really." he assured Gus. "You would still be grounded _now_, if he had found out."

"But I thought… he was supposed to be very cool and shit." Gus said confused.

Justin shrugged. "He would have been pissed to find his son smoking. He always wanted the best for you. And this" he said pointing at Gus with the very fingers, between which his cigarette was held, and giving a perfect parental-advisory stern look "is not good for you."

"Aha…" Gus said raising his right eyebrow and looking at Justin's cigarette pointedly.

Justin looked at it too and then proceeded to put it out hurriedly. "It's gone. Just pretend you didn't see it." he grinned innocently.

He turned to look at Charlie, who had just entered the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"Hey Charlie! You want my cigarettes?" he asked.

"Sure."

Justin tossed the pack at Charlie, who caught it midair, smiled and exited the kitchen again.

Gus looked on disbelieving. "What, you mean you quit just now?"

"Yeah." Justin shrugged.

Gus scoffed. "As if. You'll be buying a new pack tomorrow."

"Tell you what. I quit, and you quit too. And we see who lasts longer."

"Is this your feeble attempt at becoming a parental figure?" Gus asked, sounding halfway between interested and irritated.

"Come on. I could never be a parental figure for you. I am too damn hot." Justin retorted, amused. He was obviously joking, but that did nothing to change the unsettling feeling in Gus's stomach.

He knew Justin had no idea of the power he seemed to have over him. And Gus wanted it to stay that way.

"So what do you say?" Justin said, challenging.

Gus considered it for a second. "Why the hell not? I could use the money I now spend on Marlboros. Deal." He extended his hand and Justin shook it.

* * *

Michael's stare was annoying. Justin tried to ignore it and kept talking to Gus and JR.

"Paul is definitely into me." JR was saying, full of 15-year-old confidence. "But the truth is I think Tony is way cuter. But he likes Alex. Alex is a girl by the way. But, everyone says we would be better together, because we both have dark hair, and Alex is blond. She is soooo stupid" she huffed out in annoyance. "I have come to the conclusion that all blond people are stupid. I don't know why, maybe it has something to do with melanin or something…" she turned to Justin. "Except you, uncle Justin." And then, suddenly remembering, she added. "Oh, and mom." She turned to look at her mother and thought about it for a few seconds. "Maybe."

Justin laughed at that, while Lindsay looked at her daughter in disbelief.

"What do you mean maybe?" she asked JR.

"Oh, you heard that?" JR asked. Still she wasn't particularly fazed by the fact. "Did you let me go to Gretchen's party last year?"

Lindsay opened and closed her mouth a few times. "It was on a school night."

JR was having none of that. She put her hand up in defiance. Justin noticed the differently colored nails. Not a single rainbow color missing. Debbie must be proud. "Did you?"

"No." Lindsay replied annoyed.

"There you go." JR said gesturing at her mother, as if stating the obvious.

She was provided with a slap across the back of her head by Debbie.

"Be nice to your mother. Don't make me scold my favorite granddaughter" she said, waving her index finger in front of JR's face, before going into the kitchen to bring out another huge plate of pasta she intended to intimidate everyone into eating.

"I am your _only_ granddaughter." JR murmured, rubbing the back of her head.

Justin burst out laughing again. He was rapidly becoming certain that he had made the right choice by coming here for Christmas.

"Maybe you should listen to your grandmother." Lindsay said, half smiling. "And let someone else talk, for God's sake! Justin hasn't had the chance to utter a word all night."

"It's ok Lindz, I don't mind. I think she is adorable." he replied.

"Well, I don't." Gus said. "She is a monster." he pinched her cheek, something he knew she found infuriating.

JR stuck her tongue out at her brother. "You are wrong. Justin thinks I am adorable." she retorted, in a way that made it apparent Justin was becoming her new favorite person.

"Take that adorable ass of yours then and go sit next to Charlie." Gus said pointing at his friend, who was seated at the opposite side of the long table, talking with Ted (and looking bored to death.)

"Why should I do that?" JR asked, hoping for a bribe.

"Because if you don't" Gus lowered his voice to a point Justin and JR had to lean in to hear him "I'll tell Mama Melanie how you lost you-know-what, you-know-when."

JR looked at her brother, contemplating if he'd actually make his threats come true. "Bye Justin." She resigned and went across the table to sit next to Ted.

"Thank god." Gus sighed.

Justin smiled. "You two remind me of my sister and me. Only she was the one who did most of the blackmailing."

"I didn't know you had a sister." Gus said surprised.

Justin nodded. "Yep. She is in her 20s now."

"Does she live in the Pitts?"

"No. Madrid. Her girlfriend is a photographer there, and she has been living with her for the past year."

"Your sister is a lesbian?" Gus asked.

Justin nodded.

"Wow. Two out of two. Your parents never had a chance, did they?" Gus said jokingly.

The fact that Justin's eyes froze over at that remark didn't go unnoticed. "No, I guess they didn't."

Gus realized he must have touched a sensitive matter. "I didn't mean… " he rushed to amend.

"It's fine. Just…" he looked at Gus from behind blond hair "Me and Molly, we never had such great parents as you and JR have. I mean… not my mother, she is fine…"

Gus knew he was reluctant to say it. "You father though…"

Justin nodded.

Gus found himself hating Justin's father, even though he had no idea what the man had done.

"Shit." Justin cursed. "I could really use a cigarette now."

* * *

_Justin rushed inside the loft. It had been raining heavily the whole time it had taken him to return there. His clothes were soaked. He cursed his own stubbornness, which had kept him from taking Brian's corvette. He hadn't wanted to look like he was flaunting in front of his father and his "new family". And the reward was that now he was drenched to the bone and shaking from the cold._

_He pulled his feet out of his sneakers and looked disgustedly at the soaked socks. A small puddle of mud was forming around him._

_Brian came out of the bedroom to stand in front of him. 'Great. That's all I need right now, a lecture from the asepsis freak.' Justin thought._

_Brian, however, took one look at the miserable, wet Justin and then started pushing him towards the bathroom. You can't have an unconventional on and off partnership with someone for so long, and don't know when they don't want to talk about something. Even an emotional retard like himself knew about that stuff, thank you very much._

_So Brian, not uttering a word, took his own clothes off and then gestured for Justin to do the same. _

_Justin obliged and they got inside the steaming shower._

_The water felt so good against Justin's skin. He felt as if his whole body had been covered with ice, and now the ice was slowly being peeled off. He turned his head upwards to the showerhead and let out a long sigh of relief._

_What in the world had he been thinking? How could he have actually believed that this sudden invitation to the man's house, his sparkling, perfect middleclass house, was anything other than pretense? That Craig fucking Taylor, the father failure of the year personified could have changed?_

'_Well, no, that's not fair' Justin thought bitterly. 'He has changed. He didn't have me arrested this time'_

_In his mind though, this time around seemed even worse. The last time, his father had given him enough excuse to be absolutely angry and spiteful towards him. So, that was what Justin had been until now. Bitter and angry and downright hateful. But at least, he had put the whole thing behind him._

_And now… he didn't even have a right to do that._

_Brian continued pretending to just mind his own business, keeping an eye on Justin all the while. He made certain he was a respectful dildo-length away (yes, he measures things dildo- wise. So what?)._

_If the blond didn't want to talk, they wouldn't talk. God knew Brian wasn't the poster boy for consolation anyways. It is awkward, unfulfilling, and there's nothing you can do about the other person anyway. What was he supposed to say? That things would "get better" and Taylor senior would come around? That was just bullshit. If he hadn't come around all these years, he sure as hell was not going to be any better now that a teenage lesbian Molly had been added to the mix. Brian had promised himself a long time ago that he would never lie to Justin. And he wasn't about to start now._

_Brian had known it had been a bad idea all along. Ever since Justin had mentioned he and Molly were going to meet their father, Brian had felt like he was watching a train-wreck about to happen. In agonizingly slow-motion. But, Justin had wanted to give it another go, to see his new little brother…._

_The brunette considered for a second the entirely amusing possibility that Craig's _**third** _attempt at fatherhood could lead to a third gay child. Oh, the endless cruelties of fate. Karma is _a bitch, and Craig sure as hell deserved a whole lot of bite-in-the-ass karma. But he was pretty certain Justin_ wouldn't appreciate if he said that out loud right about now. _

_As if reading his thoughts, Justin, his eyes still closed against the hot spray of water said "The baby is great. He has taken all his good features."_

"_Are there any?" Brian asked.  
_

_Justin didn't comment._

_Brian washed his hair off and got out of the shower, Justin following a few moments later. He passed a towel to the blond and started for the bedroom. _

_The worst part was, Brian knew what to do when stuff like that happened to him. He'd just fuck it away. But Justin was not like that… And he also knew Justin would not be in the mood for fucking today anyway. Maybe not even tomorrow. _

_Craig should be shot._

_Justin could not believe his father had actually had the audacity to talk shit about Jennifer, because of Tucker. When his new wife is twenty-fucking-two! She is younger than him for fuck's sake._

_She's a regular walking, talking Barbie doll. And she has a kid… he almost laughed. She __**is**__ a fucking kid._

_Brian continued looking at the blond who was currently yanking at his pants, in a manner that could possibly be classified as garment abuse._

_He was putting on __**underwear **__**and pants**__? Great, it will be more than 2 fucking days._

_Craig should be stabbed to death, or asphyxiated. Whatever is worse._

_Justin plucked down on the bed and stared at the ceiling angrily. "Why am I so stupid?" he exclaimed suddenly, catching his partner by surprise. "Why did I go?"_

_Brian sighed and lied down on the bed next to him, but kept his gaze glued to the ceiling too. "You are not stupid. You wanted to go. So you did."_

"_I shouldn't have. He has a whole different family now. And they are great. He has the perfect house and the perfect environmentally-friendly hybrid family car, and the perfect neighborhood, the perfect stupid trophy-wife to do whatever the fuck he wants her to do…"he huffed out, frustrated. "The perfect new son." he added, his voice a lot lower now. "It's everything he ever wanted. I bet this one will become a football player, and a business man and he will give him grand-children… He'd make a great grandfather…" he said pensively. _

_Brian gathered his whole will-power not to say anything bad about that. He was looking at Justin now, and he seemed so put down. This was so worse than a pissed-off, holding-out-on-sex Justin. _

_He hoped the blonde would not cry. Not that he cried a lot. But when he did… _

_God he hated it when he cried._

_Craig Taylor was fucking dead if Justin cried. No gunshots and stabbing and asphyxiation shit. No, we're talking about the whole medieval torture treatment, straight out of a history book._

"_You really shouldn't get upset over it" he said instead._

"_I know. You are right."_

"_He is not worth it."_

"_I know."_

_Brian turned to the ceiling again. There probably-thankfully- weren't going to be any tears. Justin seemed a lot calmer down, his breath soft._

"_Justin?" he said after a while._

"_Yeah…?"_

"_You'll always be a better son than he'll ever be a father." _

_It was the truth, however corny it sounded. _

"_I know." Justin replied after a long silence._

"_Just thought I should remind you." _

_When Justin broke the dildo-length barrier, Brian's thoughts of homicide diminished significantly._

_

* * *

_

A/N: This is definitely **not **my favorite chapter…. *sigh* I have written stuff about this fic that go way ahead into the future of the plot… So, I can't really concentrate on the parts I have to write now… Hope it is not too crappy…

Oh! I just have to say that the whole dildo metric system is not my idea… I read about it in Bless you! By Clever Devil like 500 years ago, and it stuck. So, I was writing this chapter and didn't even think before referencing it, I just realized it later…

Thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	8. Chapter 8

I don't own anything.

A/N: My Muse is a bitch who is only giving me trouble.

There is a Brian POV flashback, in italics at the beginning of the chapter.

* * *

_Brian had gotten out of the airplane hours ago. Christmas in New York was what people would call beautiful, he guessed. Not that he cared about shit like that. Christmas was just another excuse for people to pig out and complain about all the pounds they had gained later, and to spend all the year's savings on stupid presents no one liked anyway. But, unfortunately, Justin was one of the consumer good doers, and had been frustrated that they wouldn't spend Christmas together. So, since his plans with the munchers had been cancelled, Brian had jumped on the first plane to NY. Christmas fucking always beat Debbie's Christmas diners anyways. And Brian intended to do a whole lot of that, when Justin actually got back to the apartment from wherever the fuck he was._

_So, here he was, alone in Justin's little apartment. The Christmas tree was jolly decorated in a way that would make Santa proud. Brian did his best not to get rid of it while the blond was out. _

_Finding a ticket on the last minute had been hell, not to talk about having to spend hours on a plane, listening to people stressing over holiday plans and kids whining about the presents they wanted Santa to get them. Brian himself refused to let his son believe in bullshit lies about mutant flying reindeers and overweight old men that sneaked into your house in the middle of the night to drink your milk and eat your cookies, who by the way sounded way too much like pedophilia wishful thinking than anything else. But he had endured all that, just to get to surprise his Sunshine on Christmas Eve. And then spend the following days fucking nonstop because there was no way he was spending his New Year counting down with half a million breeders on Times Square. _

_And people said Brian Kinney doesn't do romance._

_It would have been better if the twink had been waiting for him in the apartment though, preferably on the bed with nothing on. But, his good luck had it for him to spend his first hours in New York City waiting for the blonde. That is why surprises are stupid. Nothing ever goes as planned._

_The door finally opened to reveal Justin, with snow decorating his hair and coat, carrying a paper bag. He put the coat on a nearby chair and, without even noticing Brian, walked right past him and made a beeline for the Christmas tree. _

_The bag apparently held even more Christmas ornaments, that the blond proceeded to put on the tree, mumbling a song under his breath. Brian didn't make a move, but remained stoically watching from his place on the couch, waiting for his presence to be acknowledged, as the blond committed an aesthetic sense crime._

_After a while he realized that Justin was actually singing a very different version of Christmas carol._

"_Lizzy the hairy lezzy had a very hairy muff" Justin started. "And if you ever saw it, you would even say it's rough" he continued, adding a "nanananana" in a baritone voice._

"_All of the other lezzies, used to laugh and call her names they never let poor Lizzy join in any lezzy games"_

_Brian swallowed his laughter. _

"_Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say : Lizzy with your muff so long won't you drag my sleigh along! Then how the lezzies loved her and they grew their muffs long too. They shouted out!" Then, putting a star on the top of the tree he dragged out: "Lizy the hairy lezzy let me go down on you!"_

"_The munchers have totally destroyed you, haven't they?" Brian couldn't keep himself from commenting._

"_Jesus Christ!" Justin cried out, almost falling flat on his ass, after finally realizing he wasn't alone in the room. "Brian! You scared the shit out of me!"_

"_Where the fuck have you been? I've been waiting here for hours. By the way, you need more booze. There is only eggnog in here."_

_Justin didn't seem to be listening at all. He kept staring at Brian with his mouth hanging open. "You… why aren't you in Canada?"_

_Too much talking. Brian had a lot more pleasant things he wanted to do right now. "Mel and Linds decided to take the kids on vacation." he shrugged. "I was obviously not invited. So, I thought I could pay you a visit."_

"_And spare yourself from Debbie's cranberry sauce."_

"_Something like that."_

_Justin smiled widely and moved to sit on the couch. Well actually, on Brian's lap, his thighs on either side of him. 'Much better' the brunette thought._

"_Hey" Justin said, as if he was just seeing Brian for the first time._

"_Hi." Brian replied, smiling. He passed his fingers through the blond's hair, removing melting snow from it. "What the fuck are you wearing?" he laughed._

"_Daphne sent it to me yesterday." Justin said, passing his hands over the red knit top. There were some green patches that on closer inspection Brian discovered were Daphne's failed effort at portraying mistletoe. _

"_It is horrible" Brian said, even though his hands met Justin's as he caressed the soft fabric on Justin's chest._

"_You love it." Justin teased. "So." He took a big breath. "What are we going to do?"_

"_mmm…." Brian rubbed his chin, considering it for a second. "We could fuck our brains out." He suggested, bringing his hand to Justin's crotch._

_Justin smiled appreciatively. "That's not very Christmas-y though." he pretended disapproval, even though his lips were currently being reacquainted with the skin on Brian's collar bone._

"_I could wear a Santa Claus suit if you want. To match your very tasteful pullover."_

_Justin cringed his nose in disgust. "That wrinkled pedobear. Who would want to fuck him?"_

_Brian couldn't keep his mouth away from Justin's lips after that. _

_The pullover stayed on for a couple of hours though._

_

* * *

_

"New York must be wonderful this time of year right?" Ted asked.

Justin nodded absentmindedly.

"Oh, I always wanted to go there for Christmas!" Emmet clapped his hands enthusiastically. "Drew said we'll probably go next year. I can't wait."

"Yes, it is very nice." Justin commented, sounding bored.

"And New Year's Eve! Kissing at midnight… God, I wish we get to actually go…" Emmet added. "I really want to kiss my boyfriend in front of a camera again."

Justin smiled. "You can crash at my place Em."

"Really? That would be amazing! Although… We'll probably have some very personal celebrations to do." He said winking suggestively. "And I'm sure you will want to do some of that with your boyfriend too."

"There is no boyfriend" Justin answered, awkward.

Michael's intense scrutiny didn't do much to help.

"There isn't? I 'm sorry… I thought…" Everyone sent unsettled looks Justin's way, while Emmet smiled apologetically.

"Nope."

"I'm sure you will find someone special soon." Blake said, apparently not catching on to why everyone was nervously glancing at Justin. "Maybe I can introduce you to…"

"I don't need a boyfriend Blake. I'm doing fine on my own."

"We all need someone…" Blake attempted one more time.

"I'm sure Justin won't have a problem finding someone." Ben interrupted, smiling good heartedly.

"Of course… I didn't mean…" Blake turned to Justin.

"I know. No problem." Justin responded, trying to reassure him. Blake had never actually been a member of their group, or very close with either him or Brian. Justin knew he only meant well though.

"Anyone want to share a piece of apple pie with me? I don't think I can manage eating one on my own, but it is so delicious." Ben averted the subject quickly.

Everyone around the table quickly started commenting on the food, and complimenting Debbie on her tasty meal. Ben's Roast Vegetables and Smoked Tofu Plait remained untouched and without comment.

* * *

"Give me a piece of that pie." Charlie said, gulping down a mouthful of turkey.

"Get it yourself!" JR responded.

"You are clutching onto the platter stupid." Charlie reminded her.

Jenny Rebecca placed a piece onto her own plate before passing the platter on.

Gus sincerely thought that he'd hurl if he had to watch them stuff their mouths with more food. The three of them were sitting in the kitchen, and Gus was straining his ears to hear what was going on in the living room. The other two were happy where they were.

Gus felt like he had when he was 10, and the grownups would gather and talk in hushed voices over things he wasn't supposed to listen, so he and JR were exiled in the kitchen to eat on their own.

"Why are we sitting here anyway? Lets go in the living room." He asked.

Charlie mercifully tore himself away from his dinner for a couple of seconds to reply " Look, Ted is cool and everything but if I have to listen to him going on about trust bonds for five more minutes, I will kill myself. Besides, we can eat all the food in here with no interruptions- if your sister kindly removes herself from it long enough. You are eating apple pie with cranberry sauce? Are you insane?" he asked JR with wide eyes.

"It is delicious." She responded, pouring a copious amount.

"It is disgusting." Charlie said, making a disgruntled face. "Your taste buds are probably burned beyond repair. By the way, try breathing while eating, it helps."

"Whatever. At least, I'm still a growing girl. All the food will help me get taller. The food you are eating will just help you get wider."

Charlie put down his fork and knife soundly. "It is just 2 pounds. Will you let it go?"

"Two pounds now… Another two next month. By the end of the next year you will have little Charlies in orbit around you." she commented in a soft voice.

Gus laughed at Charlie's horrified expression. His friend was in no way overweight, on the contrary he ate like an Olympic champion and still had a great body. That was probably the reason why he had freaked out when he had gained 2 pounds last month and had been nagging anyone willing to listen with plans of extreme diets and exercising.

The thing is, you are not supposed to say that stuff to Jenny, unless you are willing to suffer the constant mocking.

"Maybe you two can stop the bickering" Gus said, before Charlie had a chance to reply "and we can go sit with the others like normal people."

"What is so important?" JR asked. "You know they don't want us in there while they are interrogating Uncle Justin anyway."

Gus knew what she said was true. And that was exactly why he wanted to be in the living room right now more than he wanted the JR's and Charlie's chewing to stop. Anything Justin had to say was something Gus wanted to listen.

"I'll go get my laptop." He tossed getting up. Maybe he would catch some tidbit of the conversation as he will pass by the living room to get to Michael's old room.

"Hey, bring me some gingerbread, while you are there!" Charlie called out. "There isn't any here."

"Me too!" JR added.

* * *

Justin was growing tired of all the inspection. Everyone seemed to be so careful around him, like they were expecting him to have a meltdown.

He spied on Gus, coming out of the kitchen noiselessly.

"Gus! What are you doing all the way over there? Come sit here." He called out. It would be nice to sit next to someone who wasn't walking over eggshells around him.

Lindsay and Melanie shared a concerned look before Lindsay pulled her chair a bit away from Justin, so that Gus could squeeze another chair in there and sit down himself.

As the conversation carried on, Justin turned to Gus and whispered "We're still on with that bet?"

"Yes."

"Fuck."

* * *

What is marriage?

Ben stared at the computer screen. The paper was due after Christmas, but he always wanted to get a head start on things.

**" the voluntary union for life of one man and one woman to the exclusion of all others."**

Well, that obviously wouldn't do.

An online dictionary defined marriage as **"The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife, and in some jurisdictions, between two persons of the same sex, usually entailing legal obligations of each person to the other."**

Legal obligations? That was probably true, but surely not the core of the matter.

In his experience, marriage is more about commitment, love, about knowing when your partner is pissed off at something but is too stubborn to admit it.

Which was why Ben had sat in front of the computer and left Michael to fume for a while alone.

" Michael."

The other man didn't respond. Ever since they had gotten back from Christmas dinner, Michael had not been able to sit down for a second. He kept pacing around the apartment, finding chores that needed to be done and then pacing frantically once more.

"**Marriage is a profound human good, elevating and perfecting our social and sexual nature."**

"Michael. Are you ok?"

"Yes. Fine." was the laconic response.

Ben sighed. "You are not fine." He got up from his desk and sat on the couch, pulling Michael down with him. "Is it Justin?"

"No…. Yes. It is everything. This whole farce."

"Farce?" Ben asked confused.

"Well what do you think this is? He doesn't show up for 10 years and now they are all acting as though he never left." Michael replied irritated.

"I think they are just being honest." Ben replied thoughtfully. "He was sorely missed while he was away."

Michael just scoffed.

"I don't see why he gets to act like the wounded widow. They weren't even married."

**"Marriage is any close or intimate union"**

"They were together for many years Michael. He has earned that right."

Ben knew Michael had always been in love with Brian. Nothing could change that. Having the love of your life already lose the love of his, was a lesson Ben had to learn early on.

He stopped himself before he went down that path again though. He wouldn't think of it again, he had promised himself that. He knew Michael loved him sincerely. And he had been willing to take second place.

Michael had long ago made his choice. And his choice was to be with Ben.

**"Marriage is the loving relationship between two people, after mutual consent, utilizing vows, recognizing their union as the single most important romantic bond."**

Michael sighed. "I guess… I just… God, I wish he would leave. Now that Brian is gone, he has no place here."

Ben put his forehead against Michael's and looked him square in the eyes. If only he could see inside his head, feel everything the other man felt, know everything he knew.

"You don't mean that." He stated calmly. Michael tried to look away, but Ben wouldn't take his gaze off him.

"I don't…" he admitted. "But it is the truth. What Justin has made of it. He left, Ben. He proved that it is the truth. If he cared about us…even a little bit… he would have stayed. He would have tried to make things work."

" He probably wasn't even thinking about that. That doesn't mean that we don't mean anything to him. It just means that Brian meant a whole lot more."

When Michael looked away, Ben took the other man's hand and brought it to rest on his chest, right over his heart. "Michael, I love your mom and the guys and JR and Gus. But if anything happened to you…" Michael looked at him again. "If anything happened to you, I'd probably go mad. So I can't blame Justin for all this. You shouldn't either."

Placing a kiss on Michael's brow, he left him be, to return in front of the screen. He looked on the screen again and started typing.

"_The perfect definition for marriage is yet to be found."_

_

* * *

_

A/N: I know I should write more about Michael and the gang, but…. JR Charlie and Gus are new and sparkly and I like playing with them!

_**Lizzy the Lezzy is not mine!It is an internet stand up comedy series and the song can be found on youtube and other places too.**_

the definitions of marriage are from various online dictionairies, except the last one. I sort of made it up, using tidbits from other definitions.

Thank you for reading and/or reviewing. ;)

although I would be happier if you do review...


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

A/N I have been sitting on this chapter for some time now. I should have probably tried moving the current story line along a little bit, but I've come to the conclusion it probably is better if it is just on it own so this whole chapter is a flashback.

_From Justin's lost years in NY_

_Justin added the last lines. He began shadowing the portrait, starting from the eyes. He moved across to the left cheek. He was drawing franticly, having zoned off from the rest of the world. He hadn't stopped in an hour and his hand was killing him. But he wasn't able to tear himself away from the sketch._

_After half an hour, he dropped the pencil. He did that out of instinct, knowing the picture would be ruined if more detail was added._

_He rubbed his bloodshot eyes. It was 3 o'clock in the morning but the radio was turned on, full blast. Justin expected one of the neighbors would call the police soon. He didn't give a flying fuck. This was coming from inside, pouring from his fingertips and on the paper. The music just helped keep him grounded. Might as well use the stereo while he still had it. He'd probably be selling it too, anyway._

_He finally leaned back against the back of the sofa. He had been working on the floor, the crappy artificial light making it all the more hard for him._

_He stared at the sketch. Brian looked back at him from the paper, his black-and-white self an image of defiance. He was youth, and power. He was life and Justin held onto the paper to save his own, as if it depended on it, smudging the corners with his blackened fingertips._

_He brought his palm to his eyes and dried his face of the tears that were starting to drop. He wouldn't cry tonight. He wouldn't._

_Brian had been gone for three years now. Justin looked affectionately at the picture of his dead lover, and after a while started cursing. He got up from the floor, and swayed a little. Abrupt movements and alcohol do not match._

"_You'll make me a fucking drunk Brian." he said. He held the picture in front of his face and talked directly to it. "You know what happened today?" he paused a bit and moved the picture closer to his face. "I didn't think of you all day." he said with a hatefull glare. The picture remained unaffected. Justin let out a loud laugh. It sounded paranoid to his own ears._

"_I didn't, cause you're dead." he said menacingly, as if enjoying his own words. The picture still didn't respond. Justin scrunched it up in his palms and threw it on the floor. He smiled triumphtly. That was it. Now he was going to be free._

_He expected the rush of relief, the freedom to come. Nothing came. He screamed out in frustration and lowered himself on the floor again. He remained there, shallow breath after shallow breath, looking around for something to pull him out of this, away from the self-distraction, the pain and the memories. He felt a bulge under his left leg. It was the scetch._

_He carefully unfolded the paper. "I'm so sorry." he kept repeating to the picture, as if it could hear him. Maybe that was possible, maybe Brian could actually hear him. Why couldn't he have been more religious? Why couldn't he believe in paradise? Believe that Brian was in a better place, a safe one, where nothing could hurt him?_

_He knew he should believe in it, or at least wish for it. Wish for Brian to be in heaven, living on, and being blissful for all time. But deep down he didn't want it to be that way. He didn't want paradise and eternal happiness to exist. He just wanted Brian to be with him here, now._

_He let out a long sigh and lay on the floor, staring at the slimy ceiling._

"_I need to get a real job Brian. One that actually pays." he said, his gaze still fixed on the ceiling._

_He had had a better job of course, but he had lost it over a bit less than two years ago. What with not wanting to go to work all bruised and battered, after yet another one of Dave's fits, and his inability to stay sober for more than two weeks, resulted in him never actually going. So his boss had told Justin that he, regrettably, had to let him go._

_His former boss was a friend of Brian's, so he had put up with Justin for more than anyone else would have._

"_So here I am living the dream in NY." he said out loud bitterly. "The great artist works at Starbucks." _

_That is if he didn't get kicked out of there too, which would probably happen sooner or later. He had already been fired from McDonalds as well as all the other places he had tried. Now he served coffee and occasionally did portraits of old women and snobbish rich kids._

_His whole big carrier in New York had ended before it had started. Of course he'd been living in N.Y. for almost seven years now. He had participated in gallery exhibits and received a few good reviews, even a feature in a hip art magazine. He had been excited, living the dream, when it had happened. When Brian had died._

_After that, Justin barely cared about anything. He was working of course, doing thousands of sketches and canvases. One day he'd been working in a frenzy, and the other he'd lay in a catatonic state and telling the world to fuck off and leave him alone. The world had obliged. Soon, the critics had forgotten him. Recognition wasn't a lasting thing in New York City. It needed to be refueled, and Justin couldn't make himself care._

_Then he had met Dave and hadn't picked up a brush as long as their fucked up relationship had lasted. But sketches, he'd never stop doing sketches. Not that any of them made sense. They were totally abstract, and most of them had a frightening aura , even if you couldn't make out what you saw, that made them unpopular in art buyer's circles. The first "classic" sketch he had done was the day Debbie left for Pittsburg._

_The CD ended, and Justin just let it be. He didn't want to listen to music anymore anyway._

"_Put the Guns n Roses one in." Brian said._

_Justin kept his gaze on the ceiling. "Go away." he said half_-heartedly.

"_Why? You want me here right?"_

_Justin turned to his right. There he was, Brian, on his side, laying on the floor._

_Justin turned back to the ceiling and said, sounding almost bored: "You are not real. You're only in my head and you'll be gone once I get sober." he turned back to Brian before adding "And when the hell did you become a GNR fan? You used to say Axl sounds like he's breathed helium."_

"_Maybe I was wrong" Brian said._

"_Maybe I'm making you up, so __**you**__ like what __**I**__ like." Justin looked at him pointedly._

"_Twat."_

_Justin turned his eyes away again. "Do you think I am being an asshole to everyone for not keeping in touch?"_

"_Definitely." Brian replied._

_Justin sighed. He knew this ghost- Brian or whatever the fuck he was, had a point. It's not like he didn't speak with everyone. He just never called them, or wrote to them, or e-mailed them. But he did talk to them on the phone when they called him. Most of the times._

"_You should at least call Michael." Brian said._

"_Go away." was Justin's answer. When he turned to see Brian. He was gone._

_Justin stared at the place where his lover was lying just a few seconds ago._

_Right on queue his cell started to ring._

_He reached for it after a while, not sure if he wanted to pick it up. The caller ID informed him it was Michael on the phone. Justin looked at the clock again. He stared at the screen, unsure. Michael hadn't called in months. Of course, that was understandable. Justin never called him. Justin had figured Michael was never going to call him again. It hurt of course, and he found himself missing Michael more than everyone else, even Debbie, but still he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't pick up the damn phone and call him himself._

"_Hey" he said finally._

"_Hi." came after a while. Michael's voice sounded a bit shaky. "So…um… I called cause Gus brought you up again today." his voice was getting steadier as he talked. "And then I couldn't stop thinking I should call you, so…"_

_Justin waited for him to go on, but Michael's speech seemed to be over by now. He sighed and rolled his eyes tiredly. "Ok…" he said hesitantly._

"_Ok." was the reply. "Tell me something new about you. Hell, tell me anything about you cause I don't seem to know that much anymore." _

"_Well" Justin looked around the crappy apartment. He looked at the creased sketch of Brian he'd just made and at his hands that were shaking for no reason, although his voice was calm. "I'm doing OK." He said, trying to appear believable. "I haven't had my big breakthrough yet, but I'm getting there."_

_He heard Michael sigh. "That's great Jus" He sounded disappointed. 'Why does he?' thought Justin. 'He doesn't want me to be well, or can he see through the crap I just said?'_

"_How about you?" he finally asked Michael._

"_I'm ok. Ben is publishing a new novel soon and JR is getting bigger and she's so cute and…" Justin blocked out the rest of the blunter. His head was spinning a little and he knew Michael was just being nervous and awkward, so it didn't really matter what he was talking about. Justin wondered when things had started to be so weird between them._

_Michael called him less and less frequently, and always at ungodly hours. Justin suspected he suffered from insomnia, much like himself. Maybe he just felt the need to talk with someone about Brian. They'd done that a few times. Tear-filled, exhaustingly long phone calls. Michael would break down and cry for hours at a time and Justin would mostly wait till the call was over to cry by himself- when he was sober. When he wasn't, he didn't seem to mind crying._

_But those meaningful conversations were rare. Most of the times they'd just chat, Michael trying to retain the connection and Justin often getting annoyed just by the sound of the other man's voice. That was the craziest part: Justin might wait for weeks for a call from Michael. And when it came, he'd just get pissed at all the useless small talk._

"_What do you think?" he suddenly heard Michael ask._

"_I agree with you." he risked. Apparently Michael was pleased with his answer, because he didn't comment._

"_I miss you" Michael said out of the blue. "I never actually thought I would, but I do."_

_He sounded expectant, like he was waiting for Justin to say something like that back._

_But Justin was tired of fulfilling everyone's expectations. He was tired of having to act the happy son part for his mom's sake, of serving coffee "double, skimmed, decaf , on the go" to some 30 something bachelor, whose only real decision in life, the one that powered and motivated him, was what kind of coffee he was having that day, tired of having to deal with Brian's ghost clinging to his back or breathing in his ear at night, never leaving, but never giving more than just a small reminder, a segment of real life, of living like it used to be when Justin wasn't a walking talking zombie that served coffee. Yes sir, thank you sir. Double skimmed decaf on the go. Have a nice day._

_So he didn't say it, although he sure as hell felt it. He came up with some kind of excuse and hang up the phone before Michael could say anything else._


	10. Chapter 10

A/N I know, I know... it's been ages *sigh* I am sorry...

Thanks to the wonderful Lupin111 for helping me out and urging me on

Gus and Charlie were once again hanging out on Debbie's back porch, talking. Gus was trying hard to concentrate on the conversation, but his mind kept wandering away. And the worst part of it all: it was a certain blond he kept thinking of.

In the three days that had followed Christmas, he had started to come to terms with the fact that whatever he did, his thoughts would still go back to Justin. It would have been easier if Justin had turned out to be a boring or uninteresting person. But he wasn't. On the contrary, Gus found him to be very interesting. Very interesting indeed. He loved talking to him, loved seeing him every single time.

Love is bullshit right? Isn't that what he always said? That it only caused heartache? Gus was quickly becoming a living example of that. And he hated it.

And if his reluctance towards love in general weren't enough, the fact that he had growing emotions towards his own uncle- wasn't that what Justin is? His uncle? JR kept calling him that, so that's what he had to be- came to add insult to injury.

Gus knew what he had to do. He had to keep away from Justin. He had to stay away, and let time take its course.

However, he had no idea how the hell he was supposed to do that, when seeing Justin was always the highlight of his day. And when he didn't see him… he kept thinking of the next time he would be seeing him.

It didn't help in the least that Justin seemed content to go out with him and Charlie every freaking night either. Gus had been seeing more of Justin than he had of his own family, even though they shared the same roof.

"Do you have a cigarette?" Charlie asked.

Gus pulled out his pack from his back pocket. It was the first time since the bet.

Charlie took it in his hands and after pulling out a cigarette, he inspected the pack interested.

"Hey isn't this the pack you had on Christmas day?"

"Huh? How do you…?"

"It is!" Charlie cried out pointing at the pack. "It has scribbling on it you see. Here is my signature and here is JR's. We were trying to figure out who has the best one."

"And who does?" Gus asked, trying to change the subject.

Charlie shrugged "She says she does, but I'm definitely the winner. I mean seriously look" he passed the pack back. "What do you think?"

"You both have terrible writing." Gus replied before putting it back in his pocket.

"Touché. So, anyway, how come you still have that pack?"

"Why wouldn't I?

"Because it's been three days and you smoke like a chimney."

"I quit."

"_You_?" Charlie laughed surprised. "_You_ quit?"

"Yes _I_ quit. Why is that so hard to believe?"

"Because you have no self-control whatsoever. You see something you want and you go for it. And now you are telling me you are going to deny yourself your valuable smokes?"

"Believe whatever you want Charlie…" he moved to get back into the house, but Charlie stopped him.

"Wait! I want to talk to you about something…"

"Go on."

"I…um…" Charlie took a deep breath, gathering courage. "I like Justin. Like, _really _like him. And I think I might have a shot with him. But I don't want to do anything before asking you."

Gus felt his stomach twisting, ready to deposit its contents on his brand new shoes.

"You seem to be getting closer. And I thought I should ask for your permission…" Charlie went on, awkward.

"You don't need my blessing. Justin hasn't upgraded into my dad or anything."

"Still… Is it ok with you?"

"He has a boyfriend." Gus blurted out before realizing it.

"Really? He hasn't mentioned…"

"He told me yesterday." Gus confirmed, even though it was a blatant lie. "And at any rate… he is too old for you. And I'm not sure if I'd be ok with it."

Not sure my ass. The mere thought of Justin with Charlie made him feel sick. The thought of Justin with _anyone_ for that matter.

"Oh…" Charlie seemed to be deflating like a balloon. "Ok then… I'll get over it." He moved closer to Gus and put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "I'd never do anything to hurt you, you know that right?"

Gus nodded silently, feeling like the biggest asshole in the world.

"I'll go take a shower." Charlie informed him. "Thanks for not… freaking out or anything…" he murmured and opened the door to Debbie's house.

When Gus was alone, he contemplated running after Charlie and telling him the truth. But he couldn't do that.

He couldn't tell him, that the reason his best friend wasn't supposed to come on to Justin, was not because Justin had a boyfriend. It was because Gus wanted to be with him himself.

He wasn't sure when exactly he had crossed the line between confused to outright infatuated.

He didn't believe in love, that had not changed. Justin was not right for him, that hadn't changed either- it was never going to change.

Nevertheless, he knew with a conviction that transcended everything else, that he could not let it happen. He couldn't- wouldn't- let Charlie have a try at Justin. And apparently he had no problem lying his way into getting what he wanted.

When had he turned into this inconsiderate prick?

_you have no self-control whatsoever. You see something you want and you go for it._

Was Charlie right? Was this new… obsession with Justin just that? An obsession, the need of a whiny child to get his way?

His cold fingers searched for his pack. He pulled out a cigarette, put it between his lips and lighted. His safety net.

As soon as the first heavy inhale reached his lungs he spit more than pulled the cigarette out of his mouth and hurriedly put it out.

He couldn't smoke.

He had promised Justin.

* * *

_A few days later….._

"So… um… isn't it a little late for Charlie to be picking up Christmas presents? I mean Christmas is over." Justin asked.

Gus and he were outside a big store overfilled with Christmas related paraphernalia, too many decorations and Christmas lights. Justin had been surprised when Charlie had called him that morning. Now, Charlie was spending whatever money he had on gifts, and Gus and Justin were waiting for him outside, the cold winter air making their eyes water.

"Yeah. But he is always like that. He always forgets. Once he got me a birthday present 5 months late. And he couldn't not buy anything for JR…"

"He has to find something phenomenal to make up for what JR bought him." Justin commented.

Gus laughed. JR had bought Charlie a "willie warmer" shaped like a pink elephant. "Yeah she went to no ends this year. It's quite disturbing when your little sister does that shit. Mostly because I should have thought of it myself."

"Because it is so practical right?" Justin grinned up at him.

"It is pretty cold in Toronto, you got to admit that."

"Don't be disappointed Gus." Justin patted his shoulder comfortingly. "Santa will bring you a sock to keep your penis warm _next_ year."

"Complete with a set of separate ball-warmers, so they won't get jealous."

"Yeah. And they will have "earl grey" written on them, ready for tea-bagging!"

Gus laughed out loud at that. "Such a vulgar imagination! My moms told me not to hang out with you. You are a bad influence."

"Aw. Now I'm hurt." Justin brought his hand on top of his chest like he'd just been stabbed in the heart. "Do you want to sit down?" he pointed at a nearby bench.

"Sure."

Justin let out a groan, as his ass made contact with the freezing cold bench. "Shit. It's too damn cold here. I might need a willie- warmer soon too."

"Here" Gus took his jacket off and offered it to him. "Sit on this."

"And what exactly are _you_ going to do? Freeze to death? Put your jacket back on Gus."

Gus wore it again reluctantly. "Do you _always _refuse help? From everyone?"

"I like to be self-sufficient. It's the one way to make it out of life alive. You have to rely on yourself"

"And I thought I was the pessimist. How the hell did you work with Uncle Michael anyway? He always takes care of everyone."

"That's a subtle way to put it." Justin sighed. Michael was always taking care of everyone indeed. At least the Michael he remembered. He wasn't sure about the Michael that had been graciously giving him death glares from the time he stepped his foot in Pittsburg. "He was a great partner really."

"Too bad you guys aren't making a Rage- the sequel."

Justin shrugged. "I don't think he'd like that. He's not so fond of me I figure. Does he… does he ever mention me?"

Gus couldn't help but cringe.

"It's ok, don't answer that. Your expression gave it away really."

"No! It's not like that." Gus tried to amend. "He just… he…"

"Doesn't like me?"

"Yeah…. Sort of…" Gus resigned finally.

"Well, I can't really blame him."

Gus hated the sad look Justin had right not. The man always looked sad, even when he was laughing. He'd love to one day see his face totally care-free. So, Gus said the first thing that came to mind, to get Justin to look at him again. "To tell you the truth, I kind of didn't like you either up till now."

"Geez. Thanks for the boost Gus!"

"It's nothing personal. You just never called. You never visited. You were this big mystery." Justin was still a mystery for him. The biggest one of all. The way Gus felt right now, having the man's blue eyes on him and not being able to tear his gaze away, the way he felt in his very soul that urge to make Justin like him, hell to even notice him really… It was something he could not explain. "It was easier to hate you than face the fact that you never cared."

"Of course I cared. I always did. But you were new and fresh, and I was not able to consider the possibility of talking to you over the phone. What could I tell you really? I didn't want to weigh you down with my troubles. They were not a good discussion subject with a 10 year old."

"I am not 10 anymore. I haven't been 10 for a long time."

"No you are not." Justin sighed again. "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do about it now. I wish I had been there for you. But I can't go back in time and fix everything."

So much for making Justin feel better. Gus had probably made things worse. "It's ok. You are here now."

Justin decided to take the loophole. "So does that mean you don't think as bad of me now?"

"No. Not at all." Gus let his gaze linger on Justin's face once again, and looked back at how in a mere week, he was starting to believe he would not be able to consider his life without a permanent Justin Taylor fixture.

"Now that I know you… I can't really come up with a reason why someone wouldn't love you."

Justin was taken aback. "That's sweet Gus. Really very sweet. Especially coming from someone who doesn't even believe in love."

"What can I say?" Gus shrugged. "I am a cuddly teddy bear deep down."

"Somehow I doubt that." Justin replied amused. "But I guess that makes it even better that I'm on your good side now."

"Definitely. You _don't_ want to be on my bad side." Gus tried to glare, but it soon turned into a grin.

"Well, you and another nihilistic person who doesn't believe in love will make a wonderful non-couple one day." Justin smiled back at him.

Gus chose to ignore the air vacating his lungs with a disappointed whoosh. He didn't want to think why when Justin wished him to find a perfect significant other, he felt like the blond had taken a gun out, shot him, and let Gus's guts spill on the snow.

* * *

_Justin POV_

Justin sometimes almost forgot that the young man in front of him was Gus, Brian's little son.

"_Now that I know you… I can't really come up with a reason why someone wouldn't love you."_

When Gus had uttered that, Justin was suddenly reminded of the fact that Gus was his father's son though. They both had a way of saying the most heart-felt things in the most blasé way, discarding them afterwards as nothing of importance. True, it had taken Brian many years to even consider using the word love in a sentence, but he always told other things, handing out to Justin tidbits of his affection, as much as his personality would allow him to.

Justin had no idea what he had done to deserve such kindness from Gus. He knew Gus's contempt and annoyance were much more well-earned, but the teen seemed to have forgiven him.

He would have loved to have seen Gus grow up. And JR too… All those years he had spent in NY alone, thinking it was for the best, it hadn't crossed his mind how much he was missing out on.

"I got all this amazing stuff!" a rapidly approaching Charlie informed them excited. He opened a huge plastic bag, full of God knows what sort of useless things the masterminds of capitalism had made sure to provide to the public, and pulled out a bright green beanie, before placing it on top of Justin's head. "This one is for you…."

Justin brought it in front of his eyes for inspection. It read "Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer" in red letters, next to what could pass as a reindeer, but looked mostly like a hippopotamus with horns.

Gus burst out laughing at that. "How very fitting. You and Rudolf have so much in common" he said, touching Justin's very cold, very pink nose.

"Oh don't get ahead of yourself sir. I got one for you too." Charlie deposited another beanie on Gus's head, this one with the words "Mr. grumpy pants" on it.

Justin couldn't help but laugh mockingly too. Gus was glaring at Charlie, with the fury of a hellish fire.

"And this one…" Charlie pulled yet another one out of his bag of goods, and wore it himself "is for me!" His own beanie read "smexy!", the exclamation point a glittery mess.

Justin laughed once again. Being with Gus and Charlie, made him feel giddier than he had in years. He didn't know how healthy it was to spend so much time with people so much younger than himself, but it sure as hell felt good.

And it certainly was more fulfilling than the time he had spent with Ted and Emmet the day before. Not that he hadn't enjoyed their company. But he couldn't get past the feeling that the two of them were looking at him, waiting for him to burst out in tears or have a fit. The past that united the three of them, instead of bringing them together, made them grow apart.

And Justin didn't want to think of the past right now. He wanted to stare into the blinding sun of what promised to be a fairly brighter future.

So he put the beanie on his head once again, and reaching out for Gus's hand with his right hand, Charlie's with his left, he walked down the road with them, their unusual choice of hats, gathering passerbys' attention.

* * *

_Brian watched from the bed as Justin, fresh from the shower and fully clothed, emerged from the bathroom._

"_Why are you wearing clothes?"_

"_You should too. We are going out. And as much as I'd love to have the entire gay population look up at me in admiration for having a naked Brian Kinney walk with me, I think it is a little too cold for that."_

"_Why are we going out again?"_

"_Oh come on! It is New Year's Eve! We're probably too late for the countdown, but you have to treat me to at least one ridiculously expensive dinner while you're here."_

_Brian stared at the offending clothes, and stood up from the bed._

"_I'll buy you dinner tomorrow. Now… we can't really let the past year bid us goodbye without a proper countdown."_

_Justin looked on amused as Brian stalked closer, a predatory glint in his eyes._

"_What do you have in mind?"_

_Brian, instead of answering, preferred to let his hands caress their way up Justin's arms, before helping the younger man out of his shirt. "Ten…"_

_He then brought his hand to Justin's fly, opening it while whispering "Nine…"_

_Justin caught on quickly. He pulled the pants off his legs saying with a huge grin on his face "Eight…"_

_Brian moved his lips to Justin's neck, kissing his pulse point, the skin there fluttering with Justin's increasing heat beat "Seven…"_

_Justin felt his eyelids closing at the contact. "Six…"_

_Brian took that as an indication that Justin was not so unwilling on parting with his clothes anymore. He pulled at the waistband of the younger man's boxers, pleased to see that Justin quickly got rid of them too, and stood in front of him as naked as he himself was. "Five…"_

_Justin couldn't help but let his fingers slide through Brian's hair, whispering "Four" before kissing him. _

_Brian started moving backwards toward the bed, pulling Justin along with him. He tore his lips away, only to place small spine-tingling kisses all the way to Justin's ear "Happy New Year."_

"_Happy New Year Brian."_

_They never really got to number one. _

* * *

The incessant thumpa thumpa was around him, making his heart beat faster. Justin closed his eyes and turned his face upward, feeling the confetti rain down on him.

_Disco me to oblivion baby._

It was as if not a day had passed by.

Babylon was long gone, of course. But there were always a dozen other clubs you could go to. A whole bunch of new songs to dance to. New drinks and drugs to make you numb. New lovers waiting to be conquered.

He lifted his arms in the air, embracing the world, trying to lose himself to the music. He'd give anything to just disappear, dissolve in a climax of sound and color and confetti. On the dance floor.

And then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Can you come to the bar please? Charlie has been nagging me nonstop to fetch you." Gus shouted in his ear.

So Justin left the colors and the lights behind, and followed Gus.

Charlie was waiting them with a line of shots in front of him. "There you are!" he greeted them. "So this one" he picked up a shot glass containing a weird blue colored liquid and passed it over to Gus "is for you. And _this_ one" he passed another one to Justin "is for you."

"What about poor Charlie? No drink for him?" Gus asked.

"These are for me." Charlie showed them 3 shots of whisky.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Gus confided in Justin.

"Enough talking. Bottoms up!" Charlie said before downing the first one of his shots.

Justin and Gus looked at each other doubtfully for a few seconds, until Justin shrugged and downed the drink, Gus following soon after.

"Jesus Christ!" Gus exclaimed disgusted. "What the fuck is in this thing?"

"Tastes like shit." Justin agreed.

"Tastes worse than shit. What _is_ it?" Gus inquired, but Charlie was too busy laughing his ass off and pointing at the two of them mockingly.

In the days following Christmas, Justin had gotten used to Charlie's crude sense of humor. It was now New Year's Eve, and he could not believe that he was spending yet another night out in some club or other with two 19-year-olds.

"Don't make that face." Charlie told Gus, amused. "You know what you do in the first day of the new year, is what you'll be doing all year. And you really don't want to look like you've smelt crap all year round."

"Does that mean you'll be an immature asshole all year?" Gus replied.

"Touché." Charlie picked up two other, differently colored shots and held them out. "Here. Drink these."

"I don't think I'll ever take anything you give me again Charlie, sorry." Justin declined.

"They are ok. Really. Look. I'll have some myself." He downed one of the drinks quickly, gave the other one to Justin and ordered a replacement for Gus.

" Here is to meeting new people!" Charlie said raising his shot glass.

"And getting to know the old ones better" Gus added, looking at the blond next to him.

"To new beginnings" Justin offered.

"And getting shit-faced!" Charlie declared.

"I'll drink to that!" Justin smiled, and finally they all downed their drinks at the same time.

Justin watched in amusement as Gus spit out half of his drink. His own had tasted just fine. "Motherfucker! How the fuck did you…"

"A sensei never reveals his secrets." Charlie commented laughing.

"But Justin's was ok this time!"

"Well…" Charlie moved a hand to hug Justin's shoulders. "That's because I like Justin better. You are mean."

"Why are you my best friend again?" Gus murmured annoyed.

"But of course because you simply could not live without me. It is impossible."

"Now, now boys. Don't get flustered." Justin reached out for Gus. "Let's dance."

And as all three of them moved to the dance floor in unison, Justin promised himself that this time around things would be better. He'd make sure of it.

* * *

A/N thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: a huge thank you to Lupin 111 is in order yet again^^

* * *

Gus walked down the road, trying unsuccessfully to protect himself from the winter chill. He had decided to take a long walk, maybe to escape from all the family happiness that was slowly diffusing as the Christmas season was coming to an end. Debbie was getting sadder as each day passed, just like she always did when she knew the time of their departure was approaching, and Gus was in no state to deal with that right now. The end of the Holidays meant that he wouldn't be seeing Justin again for a long time- if he ever saw him again that is. Justin did not give him the impression that he would run off and cut all bonds once again, but what could Gus expect? For all he knew, Justin might not contact them for another ten years.

Maybe returning to Canada was the best thing to do right now. This whole situation, seeing Justin every day, and knowing he could never do anything, express all these crazy things that he was feeling, the thoughts that kept tormenting his mind, did not seem to be beneficial for anyone's mental health.

So when he recognized Justin making his way out of a drugstore, at first he thought he was hallucinating. Finally deciding that the person in front of him consisted of matter and was not just a figment of his imagination, he covered the small space separating them with a few long strides and caught up with the older man.

"Hey." He put his hand on Justin's shoulder, not being able to do anything but smile, despite his previous thoughts, when he turned around surprised. "You weren't buying cigarettes right?"

"Gus!" he said recognizing him. "No, not cigarettes. I'm not going to lose the bet so easily." He opened the bag and pulled out a box with an unknown name on it. "Cough syrup. For Tucker, he's sick" Justin explained.

"Bummer. I really hoped you'd forfeit and I could actually smoke soon."

"Unfortunately for you, it seems like you are never going to smoke again, young man." Justin told him smiling, quite unconvincingly impersonating an elderly man who also had a limp for some strange reason.

Gus laughed at that, deciding not to dwell on the fact that Justin seemed to bring their age difference up so frequently, as much as they got closer. It was almost as if Justin was trying to make a statement with that, and Gus didn't like it one bit.

They walked together, in the general direction of the Liberty Diner, chatting about insignificant things, not really paying attention to where they were going.

"I found an online article about you yesterday." Gus told him. "Why didn't you tell me you were famous?"

"Because it's not true." Justin commented smirking. "How famous can a painter get nowadays anyway?"

"Well, at least now you have one fan. I liked your work, whatever I got to see on the internet anyway."

"Thanks." Justin smiled up at him. "I guess the internet is about more than downloading porn now huh?"

"You could say that… But porn still remains the main attraction."

They walked in comfortable silence, until reaching the Diner. Gus was about to walk right past it, but Justin stopped him, putting a hand on his forearm. "Can we drop by and get a couple of lemon-squares?" he asked, his eyes lighting up, giving off the impression of a child asking his parents for permission to do something very wrong and very, very mischievous.

"Ugh, why would you want to do that to yourself? Lemonsquares are disgusting."

"Are you out of your mind? They are delicious!"

"Whatever. Fine… But I'm not eating any."

"No one asked you to."

They made their way through the busy diner. "You know, I've been dreaming of Liberty diner lemon-squares for years." Justin informed him, while they were waiting in front of the registry to pay for the take-out.

"The cook that's been working here in the last couple of years is a dirt bag with no talent whatsoever." Gus felt inclined to tell him. "You are going to hate them"

"Nonsense."

They continued walking down liberty Avenue after that, Justin holding the styrofoam box as if it was a valuable treasure. He opened it and pulled out the first of the three lemonsquares gingerly. He put in his mouth, closing his eyes for a long minute, tasting the sugary flavor on his tongue, a satisfied sound emitting from him.

"How are they?" Gus asked, at a loss of why anyone would like the dry, brick-like desert.

Justin let out another long moan before saying "Hideous. Completely disgusting. You were absolutely right about the new cook."

"Throw them away then." responded Gus.

"No way. I'm going to eat them all."

Gus laughed at the man's stubbornness. "Whatever suits you." he shrugged. "So, I take it you'll be leaving for New York soon?"

"Yeah. The day after tomorrow." Justin replied, licking one of his fingers, and going straight for the second lemon-square. "You? When are you flying back to Canada?"

"In four days." He hesitated. "Hey." It was his turn to stop Justin. "Don't be a stranger ok? Call some time."

"Of course." Justin smiled up at him. "I will call. I don't know if you are going to pick up, but I will call."

"Oh, I'll pick it up." Gus confirmed. "Provided that you call."

Justin laughed a bit surprised. "Don't worry. I'm not going to disappear this time." He looked down at the styrofoam container. "Are you sure you don't want any?"

"No freaking way." Gus answered, disgusted.

"Last one." Justin indicated, taking hold of the lemonsquare and bringing it at Gus's eye-level. "You are going to be sorry."

"Trust me, I won't."

"Oh come on. Just a little. Here." He broke it in half and ate one of the pieces. "Just this much. Aren't you going to grant me this small favour?"

Gus looked at him, undecided. Justin was not right to challenge him like that. He didn't know who he was messing with.

Instead of taking the desert in his own hands, Gus decided to bring his mouth down on Justin's extended fingers, closing his lips around them and deeming the digits clean of all trace of the horrible lemon-square.

He could have sworn Justin's mind must have gone completely blank with awkwardness for a second or two. It felt satisfactory in a way, like a small victory, to know that he could have even a little influence over him.

They had stopped under a cherry-tree, and it was the first time he had noticed such a tree was even in existence here in Pittsburg. It was tormented from the cold, covered in snow but still holding its ground, thriving in the midst of winter.

Out of the corner of his eye he could catch glimpses of people passing by them, oblivious to the sound of his heart, of his blood pumping rhythmically against his eardrums, as he focused on the other man's face, attention drawn to his lips. He could see his breath mingling with Justin's in the cold air, his chest was rising more and more rapidly. He knew that right at this moment, Justin's lips, his prize, was so close, but so out of reach and the realization was driving him insane.

Justin must have seen it too. There was no way he could have missed it.

But instead of succumbing to it, he turned his face away with a small awkward smile, and took a step back.

"I think I'll catch a cab home. Got to take Tucker's medicine to him." Justin told him, searching for a taxi, nothing to even suggest he had felt anything at all.

Gus bid him goodbye after a few minutes. He stood on the sidewalk, still looking at the cab that was taking Justin further away from him.

* * *

Gus was watching Debbie take the ornaments off the Christmas tree. Charlie was curled on the small couch, snoring, exhausted after having spent the biggest part of his afternoon untangling Christmas lights and decorations from every single possible place a person could ever think of hanging them. Gus had come home to find Charlie hanging from the edge of the roof, trying to get the Christmas lights off the front of the house, while JR kept giving him vague instructions that probably confused him more than they helped.

Gus had joined him and together they finally managed to complete the task. JR then decided it was time to go off to god-knows-where, after of course having informed Debbie of the hugely detrimental impact her colorful Christmas lights had on the environment.

"I really hate taking the decorations off" Debbie murmured. "I wish I could keep the tree all year round in my living room. Putting it back in the storage…it's just so sad."

"I can do it for you if you want." He suggested.

"No, no" she smiled. "I want to do it myself. I always do it myself. But…" she put a set of bright yellow decorating balls into the box that lay open on the floor in front of her "I could use a break. You want some warm cocoa?"

"Sure" Gus shrugged, and they moved to the kitchen together.

"It was your favorite when you were little" she commented while preparing the drink. "You'd always come running in through that door, all the way from Canada, and instead of hugging me or saying hi to me, you'd put your hands on your waist and demand hot chocolate. Hot chocolate…" she went to the freezer "with ice cream!" she added pulling out a carton of Haagen Dazs.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" he asked concerned. He knew that her sugar blood levels were high and it didn't seem like a good idea. "If Uncle Mikey was here..."

"Well Uncle Mikey is not here." She stopped him before he had time to finish. "And I think I am entitled to drink a cup of fucking chocolate with ice-cream with my grandson if I want to, don't you?"

Gus refrained from commenting. He watched as she poured the cocoa into two mugs, and then a scoop of ice cream in each, the cold dessert quickly dissolving.

"Besides," she went on, placing the mugs on the table "how else do you expect me to be so sweet all the time?"

Gus laughed a bit at that, and tasted the chocolate. It was delicious, as always.

Debbie had not been like any other grandma he had known. While his classmates' grandmothers' would try to protect them from everything, keeping them in the house and never letting them out of their sight, Debbie would take Gus to PFLAG meetings and Pride marches from the age of 5. She wouldn't tell him stupid stories about princes and princesses and dragons and knights. Instead she'd tell him all about the world and how cruel it was and that you have to make your own way through it or be stepped on and vanish into the crowd. And, offering a cup of hot cocoa with vanilla ice cream, a warm hug and a smile, she'd tell him that she believed in him, that he would always be able to do anything he set out to. And even if he failed, well who cared anyway? She didn't, that's for sure.

She had told him once, that she was just doing what his father would have thought would be the right way of raising his son.

"Deb" he said, gaining her attention "you have to take better care of yourself. I know what you are going to say" he put a hand up, just as she was about to protest " that it is your life and you are entitled to live it any way you want to. But that is not completely true. If something were to happen to you…"

"Nothing is going to happen to me…"

"If something _did_ happen. You are not alone. You have people who care about you and if something does happen…we are going to miss you."

She put her palms on top of his hands and smiled sweetly. "I know… I know. I will."

Just then they were interrupted by knocking on the back door, the one leading from the kitchen to the back porch. Justin opened the unlocked door and put his head through the slot.

"Hey. Can I come in?"

"Sure sunshine, come on." Deb replied, her voice a bit ragged from unshed tears.

Justin made his way into the house, taking off his coat and rubbing his hands together to keep them warm.

"I came to drop these by" he said, placing a bag of assorted things Debbie had lent him during his stay in Pittsburg on top of the kitchen counter. "I figured you'd be here." he told Debbie.

"You want some cocoa?" Debbie asked him, gesturing for him to sit down.

"No thanks, I'm fine." He replied taking his place next to Gus. "Why are we whispering?" he asked then, noticing Debbie's low tones.

"Charlie is sleeping on the couch." Gus whispered back at him, pointing at the sleeping form in the living room.

"Oh. Ok, I see."

"I think I'll go finish un-decorating." Debbie said, getting up.

"Do you need help with that?" Justin asked quickly.

"Nah… I think I can manage." She told him, one hand patting his shoulder quickly, the other on Gus's head, before departing from the kitchen quietly.

"She says she always does it herself." Gus informed him.

"Yeah I know…" Justin sighed a little bit. "She'd get into those long fights with Vic over it. Carl too."

"Oh, yeah, I remember that last one. I think Debbie actually didn't speak to him for a week over it once. Poor Carl."

"Really?" Justin smiled. "That sounds right… How is she coping without him?"

"Ok, I guess." Gus shrugged. "I know she misses him but she doesn't really show it." He looked at Justin closer, waiting for a reply but none came. He wanted to ask Justin how _he_ was coping. Why he never really spoke of Gus's dad, if he missed him… But he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

"When I was about 10 I think I wanted to become a cop." Gus told him instead. "Because of Carl. Of course then I grew up and learned better." He added chuckling.

"Well, Carl was really a bright exception to most cops I've ever met. Actually" Justin seemed to think over it for a little while "I think I've only met two cops I've ever liked. Both named Carl. How weird is that?"

"Pretty much, I'd say." Gus answered. "Where did you meet the other cop? Were you in jail for stealing or something?" he asked jokingly.

"No actually it was because I beat someone up."

* * *

_The first time Dave hit him, Justin almost cried. He felt like a 5-year-old, whose parents smacked him, to get him to say "thank you" and "sorry". He didn't speak to Dave for 2 days after that. Then Dave came over pleading, crying, apologizing… Saying he had been stoned out of his mind. Justin reasoned he had a point. They were both really high that night. _

_Justin took him back. It was just one slap and he'd promised he'd never do it again, right?_

_The second time, they were both sober. _

_Before he knew it, they had entered a vicious circle. Dave would get violent, Justin would be pissed, but soon he'd take him back. He found himself making up excuses for Dave. Until Dave stopped apologizing and Justin just stopped reacting at all. He even brought it about at times, so to speak, doing things he knew would piss Dave off. Not that Dave wouldn't have found an excuse anyway._

_Justin splashed some water on his face and took a deep breath. The police station's bathroom was old and dirty._

_The psychologist had asked him if he thought he deserved the beating. Now Justin looked at the mirror and wondered the same thing. Did he really think that? Maybe he did. Truth was he wasn't in position to answer these questions. He seemed to be a complete stranger to himself nowadays. As hard as he tried, he couldn't recognize this face, this bitter expression that had been carved into his characteristics._

_So maybe this new, unknown version of himself really did dwell on so much self-loathing. Maybe it was better if he did. This way, it meant he had actually had some sort of control over the situation, that he had internally wished for it to happen or something. He was so angry with himself for acting this way. He was no weakling. He should have stopped it as soon as it had started._

_There was a horrible bruise on his left eyebrow and his eye had started to swell. He touched it and flinched in pain. This was not usual technique. Dave didn't hit him on the face often. Didn't want to have to see it once he had entered his "apologetic" face. Plus, no one has to know._

_Justin touched the bruise again and watched with disgusted awe at the contrast of his fingertips on the purple bruise. Remember this. Don't ever forget. Don't let it happen again._

"_Have you considered antidepressants?" the psychologist had offered from his place behind the desk._

"_I don't want to mix my medicine."_

_He slowly walked out the bathroom. Time to face the homophobic cops again. Once they had realized he was the victim of domestic same-sex violence, many of them had started treating him like some kind of joke._

"_So you say he got a knife out, right?" asked the officer. Justin nodded. The cop wrote something down and mumbled to himself._

_Justin hated his tone of voice. He hated the little ironic laughs and ambiguous remarks everyone had been making for the last two hours he'd been at the police station._

"_And he came toward you, trying to stab you."_

_Justin groaned in agreement. He'd said what had happened so many times by now, that it had started to sound like someone else's story._

_He looked out the small window but all he could see was gray. The sun would be up in a couple hours. Why was everything always gray? The cop was still talking._

"_Are you listening?" Justin turned his head to him again._

_/ Hazel eyes. "Listen. Are you listening?"/_

"_You smashed the vase on his head. Didn't you, honey?" He added in a sickly voice, like Justin was a helpless damsel. _

_Justin gritted his teeth. I don't have time for this shit._

"_Yes. Then I hit him with a chair."_

"_Daring." the mocking voice continued. Justin had an urge to show him exactly how daring he could become. Shoving the cop's head through the glass table would do the trick._

"_Well, Mr. Taylor, our guy is one big fellow. I mean, he is really tall and well-built. With all due respect" he spit the phrase out like he was referring to something he had smashed with his shoe that morning "how the hell did __you__" he looked Justin up and down "ever go up against __him__?"_

_Justin smirked. Stupid._

"_He was obviously high or drunk. His responses were slow. And I am not so helpless, you know. I can fight back."_

"_Oh you can fight back, huh?" the cop laughed and turned to his colleague "He can fight back." The other guy looked at him, concerned. "Well, if it is so, you can take your hubby home, cause I don't see what the NYPD can do for you"_

"_Cut it out man." The other cop said. He was middle-aged, black, with a lot of extra fat around the waist line. "Can't you see the guy is hurt? Don't do this."_

"_Well, I'm sick of all 'em sissies acting like they are big tough guys, Carl! Why can't they just shut up and let us clean up their mess? We end up doing just that anyway!"_

_Justin felt his gut flare up with anger. Good. He was still alive after all. He kept his voice low though. "Excuse me for keeping you. What did you have to do? Drink beer and watch TV?"_

"_Listen, pal. I have actual, serious business to attend to. I don't have time to deal with every whining faggot that comes through these doors. I think you even enjoyed that guy getting rough on you."_

"_Getting rough?" Justin replied calmly. "Do you fantasize about getting it rough with __boys__ officer?"_

"_Fucking…" he leapt forward toward Justin but the other cop held him back._

"_Get yourself together!" he yelled. "And get the fuck out Larson. I am taking up the case." he said._

"_Fine" said the other and glared at Justin "He's all yours."_

"_Oh, I'll miss you officer Larson" said Justin, using his best Emmet impersonation. The cop looked disgusted._

_When he closed the door behind him, Justin turned back to the remaining cop._

"_Well…um…sorry about that." Carl said. "Let's get this over with. I got to go drink beer and watch TV with the misses."_

_Justin managed a half smile._

* * *

"Wait. Let me get this straight. You did jail time for beating someone up?" Gus asked surprised.

"What? No, no of course not. Maybe I should rephrase that. I met Carl in a police station, after I… um… well.." Justin laughed awkwardly "yeah I guess you could say after I beat someone up."

"Oh… wow. I don't think I've ever even seen you angry. I can't even begin to picture you having a fight with anyone."

"Well, you'd be surprised."

"So, what did this guy do exactly?"

"Uh… gosh if I say it out loud it will sound so tragic…" Justin replied, looking around nervously, clearly not wanting to continue.

"Come on. It's only me here. You can tell _me_." Gus told him, eager to find out what had caused Justin to actually fight with someone.

"He… it sounds so silly..." Justin sighed. "He tried to stab me with a knife. At least that's what it looked like he was about to do."

Gus must have unknowingly stared with his mouth wide open, because Justin rushed to explain "It's not as dramatic as it sounds. Or maybe it is. I don't know. It was such a long time ago, I don't even…" he looked for words. "It was a long time ago." He concluded.

"How long ago?" Gus persisted, moving just a little bit closer to be able to hear Justin better.

"I don't know… 9 years?"

"And…?"

Justin didn't seem ready to respond, so Gus went on. "Did you know him?"

"Yeah I knew him. He was… I guess you could say he was my boyfriend at the time. More like fuck buddy really."

"And he…"

"Can we not talk about it? I'm sorry I mentioned it I…"

"No, we _have_ to talk about it. You can't just drop a bomb like that and leave me hanging. You got to tell me."

"Gus.. can't we just let it be?"

But Gus kept staring at him, not backing down.

"Fine…" Justin sighed resigning. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything." Gus replied. He wanted to know everything that had to do with the blond, whatever that might be. "You were dating…"

"We weren't dating." Justin interrupted him, slowly starting to get on the defensive. "We just ended up together after a series of unfortunate events and circumstances."

"Whatever. Did he…" Gus hesitated. "Was it the first time he tried to hurt you?"

Justin tore his gaze away quickly, looking cornered, with his back against the wall and an executer right in front of him. Gus hated it.

"Just tell me."

"No." Justin turned to him again, a flare Gus had never seen in his eyes before. "No it wasn't the first time. But it was the last."

Gus breathed in deeply, trying to let the new information sink in. "Why were you with him?" he asked in a small voice, that had nothing to do with not wanting to wake Charlie up.

"I was stupid…" Justin answered, making it sound more like a question. "I was alone and desperate. Or just fucking paranoid. Call it whatever you will."

"I just... I can't believe you would let someone do that to you." Gus told him, knowing that his voice was starting to get higher and more irritated by the second. "You actually were with someone that would get violent? How did you even do that?"

He kept looking at Justin, feeling as if he was seeing him for the first time. Justin, who looked at him and only saw a child, unworthy of his passion, his love… And who had deemed a random trash worthy of the very same thing he denied Gus.

"Look, I'm not proud of it ok?" Justin said, his apparent anger starting to show. He glanced nervously towards the living room, but Debbie seemed completely oblivious to the whole drama.

"How long?" Gus insisted. "How long were you with him?"

"Few months. Maybe 5 or 6…. Can we drop it now?"

"Why would you stay with him for that long?" Gus asked. He felt betrayed in a way that he could not comprehend.

"I told you I…"

"You were stupid and paranoid and all that yes I know I heard." Gus interrupted him. "Can you just talk to me about it? What is the true reason?"

"Why are you acting this way? I don't understand. This has nothing to do with you Gus. Why do you even care?"

"I do. I do care. When will you realize that?"

Justin let out a sound of indignation. "What do you want me to say? That I was wrong? I know that already. That I was obviously suicidal or something? Is that what you want to hear? Cause it is not true. It never even crossed my mind. All that I knew… all that I still know is that I wanted someone to be with me. Anyone. And Dave was the one that I found."

"A remarkable choice" Gus whispered sarcastically back to him. "So you're just saying that it was a random occurrence? Bad luck? There must have been a reason you were with this Dave. You could have had _anyone_."

"I could have had anyone?" Justin actually laughed bitterly at that. "What do you take me for?"

"Why him?" Gus insisted.

"Because he made me forget ok?" Justin admitted out loud, unaware of the rising tone of his voice. "He did everything for me. He decided for every single aspect of my life. He treated me like shit, but when I was with him I didn't have to think. I didn't have to remember. He made me numb, and uncaring and unresponsive. And I didn't have to think of Brian, I rarely thought of him."

Justin was breathing rapidly, his eyes ever moving, not staying in one place for more than a second, his face illuminated with the fever of the realization. "when I was on my own again… it felt more like a prison than a liberation." He continued, his voice returning to a hushed whisper. "I couldn't… Even though I regretted the whole affair, I couldn't help but think that it was easier. Being with him."

"Did you love him?" Gus asked, his words barely audible.

"How could you even ask that? Of course not. Not even for a second." Gus could hear him, but he couldn't bear looking at him. "Some people say that love can be replaced. Some- like you- even say it doesn't exist. All I know is, I could never love someone other than Brian."

His words hit Gus like a fist to the gut.

The bell rang, breaking the silence. Charlie's sleeping form shifted uncomfortably, as Debbie rushed to open the door. Gus couldn't even move. He was rooted to the spot.

"Hey!" JR exclaimed to no one in particular, as she walked through the door. Debbie tried to hush her, but it was to no avail, as she had spotted Justin. She let out a loud squeal and run more than walked to the kitchen to hug him.

Charlie sat up on the couch immediately, as if an alarm had gone off in his head. "Wha…" He looked around confused. Spotting JR, who was now hugging a very surprised, very out of place looking Justin, he nodded knowingly. "You couldn't keep quiet for 5 seconds, could you?" he asked JR who firmly ignored him.

"Uncle Justin! What are you doing here? I thought you would have left by now. I didn't…."

Gus blurred out the rest of her blunter, not caring for it much. He ventured a glance at Justin, and could see that the man was still very upset, but trying to mask it, answering JR's questions with a smile plastered on his face.

* * *

The ride to the airport had been a silent one. Ted had offered to drive Justin there, and Gus and JR had come along too, for an unspecified reason. Justin had said his goodbyes to the rest of the family back at Debbie's home, over dinner.

Gus looked at him now, wanting to say something, anything, but nothing seemed to come out, no matter how much he tried.

"Call me whenever you want." Justin was saying to JR. He hugged her, his knapsack hanging from one shoulder, and moved over to Gus. "Both of you."

Gus nodded, his lips unable to form words still. He had avoided Justin in the last two days of his stay. He felt a bit awkward from Justin's revelation the other day, and the way he had reacted. He knew that he had no right to be annoyed at him, to yell at him and pressure him like that.

"Are we… ok?" Justin whispered nervously at him.

"Yeah… yeah we're cool." Gus reassured him. He should apologize or something, but there was no possible way he could even address the issue.

As Justin turned around to leave, Gus caught his hand. "Don't wait another ten years."

Justin smiled and hugged him firmly. "No way."

Gus breathed in deeply, closing his eyes, trying with all his might to make the moment last. Justin here with him, in his arms, open and with no secrets.

"Later." Justin bid him goodbye, and smiling at the other two, made his way inside the airport alone.

The younger man watched his retreating form for a few seconds, before getting back to the car.

It was all for the best. He'd be leaving for Canada in a couple of days, and he would forget everything about the man. He'd go on with his life, he'd argue and laugh with Charlie and JR and graduate from uni, he'd find someone else…

In a matter of weeks, Gus won't feel that overwhelming need to see him every day.

In a few months he would get over it.

Two years later, Gus's crush had yet to fade away.

* * *

A/N thanks for reading and/or reviewing ;)


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